A Uterus Divided

Dear world, please mind this pause and the longer one to come

2011-01-24T15:50:00.002-05:00

My family has swallowed me up. My time on the computer becomes less and less every day. I am so grateful for the two small babes in my life, but they have eaten me up. My days are filled with diapers, laundry, b00bs, meal planning and lately, snow. And while I know how fortunate I am, these days are also tough. My little man is a bundle of two-year-old-ness. The unfortunate timing of his sisters birth means he is hitting some behavioral bumps at the very moment that I have less of me to give him.

In an effort to oust all those perfect mommy bloggers out there--- our house is mostly ok, but often is crazytown. My little man has come upon the hitting phase, which I was sure he'd never do;) But alas, now that there is a sibling to hit--- he is hitting. I spend my days trying helplessly to protect my infant daughter from her very active, very jealous two year old brother. There seems not a solution in sight. I have read books, asked parents and friends, etc. No one seems to have a good answer and no one seems to remember there own children in this phase. I hope it will pass, and that for me it too will fade into the distance. But for now, I am navigating some unchartered territories. I am happy for many reasons, but sometimes sad that I do not have the time to bask in my new little girls beauty. I suppose we all get to enjoy a relationship with our first that we never have again with the second, third or fourth. Oh the joys of birth order. May each of my little ones benefit from their own position in our family.

It is unrealistic for me to assume I can still use this blog. While we are unsure if our baby-making adventures are through, I do believe that for those of you coming here with a new MA diagnosis-- I have written everything I can here that might be useful to you. If you are here because you were told you have a bicornuate uterus or a uterine septum-- read on. You can find out about my diagnosis, miscarriages and later pregnancies (with complications.) I hope this remains a useful place. But I don't want it to be a parenting blog-- or a place I come to moan about the stresses of motherhood.

For those of you have become my dearest virtual friends over the years-- drop me a line by email or find me on faceb00k. You know who you are;)

Thank you blogosphere for keeping me sane.

Some pics

2010-11-22T16:54:00.002-05:00

She's here!

2010-11-19T10:09:00.002-05:00

EJ was born safely yesterday at 7:19 pm after a fast and insane labor. She is doing great. Will post pics soon. Xo

Waiting, working, waiting, working....

2010-11-17T18:47:00.002-05:00

I am a sewing / making machine. I keep thinking if I finish that one last project I wanted to get done I will finally go into labor. It is not working, though I have yet to run out of projects. Here is what got done so far:
Curtains for DPB's room
Curtains for our room
Curtains for baby girls room
Curtains for the bathroom
3 crib sheets made
About a zillion burb clothes made
Lots of tiny paintings made for xmas gifts and otherwise
DH's b-day gift made
Apron made for Grammy's xmas gift
Many small stuffed things started for little people for xmas
Garland for Baby girl homecoming
Tissue paper flowers for baby girl's room
"Welcome Home" banner drawn on new kitchen chalk board
New throw pillows for the couch

I think that is it. But there is still more I'd like to do, just not sure how much of a mess I want to leave the house in.

Freaking come already little one! We R ready!

False starts and a little progress

2010-11-15T14:59:00.002-05:00

Here are the stats:
38+6
Weight gain in last 2 weeks = 0
3-4 cm dilated
90% effaced
Baby at -1 Station
*Progress, at least.

Yesterday I contracted, pretty strongly, all day-- with the majority of the activity from 2-7 pm. Then it all stopped. Based on the changes to my cervix, I'll chalk it up to a slow start and just be grateful that means I don't have to start from nothing when I finally do go into labor.

37+4 Post stitch removal

2010-11-06T20:10:00.002-04:00

So the stitch removal was pretty fine. I can't say it was fun, but it was more uncomfortable than painful and it was over super quick. My doctor is awesome. He just always seems to know what he is doing-- as I suppose a doctor should. But after you have dealt with so many moron's it is just so nice to see some competent people on a regular basis.

So the stitch came out. I bled on and off for the next 12 hours -- but very minor. And that was the end of it. After he took it out he checked my cervix. I was 2 cm dilated, 50% effaced and at station 2 - which if I understand that right, she is pretty low. Today, 4 days post stitch removal, I lost my mucus plug. Sorry if that is gross, but it just is. I have been contracting a lot. Some painful, but mostly in the evening when I am tired.

We lined up a doula to attend the birth. She was at our son's birth too, so it is really nice to have a familiar and even more experience face to see us through the process. I'd like to try to make it through unmedicated, but am willing to go with meds if I have to. Last time, I went for the epidural after I barfed hysterically for hours - between each contraction. It was exhausting. So I am also going to see about an anti-nausea med upon arrival to get out ahead of that. I just want it over... faster....

So now we just wait. I have been busy making curtains and stocking the freezer. There is still a lot I *could* do, but we have decided to get started on xmas gifts since we hope to make a lot of them and having a newborn and toddler will make that even harder this year. We'll see.

So check in every few days. I'm hoping I have less than 2 weeks!

35 weeks

2010-10-19T13:11:00.002-04:00

Everything continues to be pretty uneventful. I saw my OB yesterday. Everything there is cool. My contractions are pretty non-existent. Baby is very active, more-so than I prefer;) Sleep is scant and life is generally good.

We are in the process of lining up a volunteer doula to see us through the birth. There is a great organization in my city that provides doulas-in-training to those who can not afford to hire one. So the doula gets to experience a birth and practice their skills and we get another person in the room to lean on. It is a pretty good deal.

During my son's birth I ended up with an epidural somewhere around 7-8 cm. It was mostly because I was vomiting like crazy. Contract, vomit, contract, vomit. I couldn't get a handle on it, and I couldn't breath. So I am going to talk to my OB to see if I can have some z.o.f.r.a.n, or the like, to try to prevent the barfing before it start and possibly spare me the epidural. I had a vaginal birth anyhow-- which I am very grateful for-- but I would love to do it unmedicated this time. We'll see. What will be will be. I am not the type to get upset about my birth experience as long as everyone is safe in the end. Oh, but I'd also like to skip the episiotomy this time. It sure sped things up, but made the healing harder.

I am scheduled to have my stitch removed on Nov 3rd. I was told I *may* have some cramping and discomfort with that. I hope it goes smoothly. I'll be 37 + 2, and thinking I'll last another 2 weeks. I delivered my son at 39 and hope for the same with this one.

Dang this blog is boring. Boring is good. If you need excitement, you'll have to back up nearly 2 years to the day. This pregnancy has just been so different. In a good way.

A lonely spill.

2010-10-04T09:45:00.002-04:00

We are 33 weeks tomorrow. Incredible really. I have no restrictions! I am even allowed to have sex (but don't tell my DH that;) As a result I am probably pressing my luck a bit. I have been a maniac - cleaning, painting, cooking, lifting, etc. My mom was here for the weekend helping me sew a new slip cover for our wretchedly old and gross couch. I pushed it.

DH is out of town for nearly two weeks, so after my mom's visit I was exhausted. My back ached from sewing and cooking all weekend. I was just zonked. The boy went to bed easy and I headed downstairs to catch up on my TV programs. As I reached the bottom of the steps I biffed it. My socked feet slipped from under me and I bumped down the remaining three stairs on ass and hands. It wasn't a bad fall, but enough to shake me up. I sat there for a minute, all pathetic-like and cried a little. What else is a girl to do?

I woke up this morning with a pink coloration to my normal discharge (sorry if TMI.) It is not that uncommon for me, especially after a BM (again, sorry if TMI.) I think my stitch just gets a little irritated. I am just keeping an eye on it and ready to call my OB if it worsens. I also called my the MIL to come get the boy for the day so I can just rest.

I fell in my last pregnancy. I guess it is pretty normal. Just you just feel so stupid, and pathetic, and stupid. Ugh.

Here to one more week. Soon I'll be scheduling the removal of my stitch! I can't believe it.

Hello world & it is all still so muddy.

2010-09-06T07:39:00.002-04:00

Everything is calm here on the pregnancy front. I am approaching 29 weeks and still standing!

And while, don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to be up and about, the last few weeks have thrown my diagnosis into muddy territory. Last time around I started contracting around 20 weeks. Those contractions, while sometimes regular, were rarely painful. My cervix shortened dramatically at 23.5 weeks and I was hospitalized.

The assumption has always been that I have incompetent cervix (IC) and Preterm Labor (PTL). But with a preventative cerclage and weekly progesterone shots, I seem to be avoiding both-- to a certain extent. I do have runs of contractions, which are really just a reminder to drink water and rest. They never get real regular and are only occassionally strong enough to make me uncomfortable. And as for the shortening, I dipped from 3.9 to 2.7 at 25 weeks-- but it has held up since then. So what do I have?

I guess in the end it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I am still pregnant and still able to chase my awesome little toddler around. But I am frustrated with the fact that this muddy diagnosis continues to fail to convince the stupid insurance company that these measures are necessary to keep me safely pregnant. There is no code for. "generally misbehaving cervix." That seems to be the best way to describe what I have.

Whatever. Wish me luck in the homestretch. Things could still get hairy, but I feel better everyday about how far along we have already come;)

27+3 - all is good.

2010-08-27T13:32:00.002-04:00

It has been 2 weeks since my cervical length dropped and I spent the day in triage. It has been really quiet. Not that my cervix would grace me with a PSA on its activities...

I had my last u/s at the 2 week interval. I don't go back for a month. Amazingly, I measure 3.0! I am just in shock and feel like I just won my freedom! I know I still have to take it easy, and the shit could still hit the fan, but I think the chances are quite good that I may stand up for this whole pregnancy. It really just means that I am going to have to buy some fall/winter maternity cloths that aren't sweats;) Kind of a bummer since we are on a tight budget, but whatever.

I might just be one of the luckiest ladies on the planet. So. Freaking. Awesome.

Holding...

2010-08-14T17:41:00.002-04:00

Back at triage just briefly today to get my second round of steroids. What a difference. Yesterday's nurse came at me with that needle like she was in a fencing match. She never swabbed my arse with alcohol, she gave no warning. It hurt like hell.

Today's nurse rocked. I don't know what she did. It was like she was tapping my butt the whole time and she had me take two deep breaths. I never even realized the needle went in. All the sudden... Done. Some nurses are just super awesome at what they do. She was and I told her so.

Anyhow. A shot, a half hour on the monitor and I was out of there. Still having small runs of contractions. Nighttime seems to be the worst-- probably because of hydration.

Anyhow, here is a pic of my old friends. How I dread these damn machines. And do they really need to be on so damn tight? Ouch.

Let the games begin.

2010-08-13T15:21:00.002-04:00

25+3 day today. Last cervical U/S was 2 weeks ago. Had a lot of action the last two weeks. Nothing worth a call to the doctor--but lots of contractions and bits of bleeding here and there. I knew something was up.

So I was prepared for some bad news at my U/S today. When the tech first put the wand in, we both looked at the screen baffled. Where the hell is it? Where is my cervix? Not a good sign. We finally found it went the stitch became visible. That bugger dropped from 3.9 to 2.7-- which all in all, is not terrible. But not great either. Just to show off I had a contraction during the exam so the other measurements were even shorter. Gasp.

While the Peri's usually just get a call I get a report back fron the tech-- this time I got to see the Dr. They are like the Wizard 0f 0z only stepping out from behind the curtain when necessary. My misbehaving, show-off ute landed me in triage. Nice.

After countless trips there carrying the D-man, it is annoyingly familiar. The smells, the sounds, the equipment. They kept me for about 3 hours at which time I had NO contractions, gave me a steroid shot in the arse and sent me home. I have to go back tomorrow for another shot. I was not ordered on bedrest, but am supposed to take it easy. No heavy lifting. Not too much up and down the steps, whatever, whatever-- I know the drill.

I guess there is one thing I really can count on. My cervix is bunk.

Hopefully just a blip....

2010-08-06T13:37:00.002-04:00

I was already nervous about this week. I am 24+3 and it is an OB-only, non-ultrasound week. I have been contracting a little. But nothing regular or painful.

So I had a speculum exam and my OB discovered some bleeding around the stitch. It was not enough to even cause a discharge. He applied a solution-- um, which I foolishly forgot to ask the purpose. My assumption would be it is a kind of antiseptic to keep away infection. He felt, from the manual exam, that I seemed to be holding up otherwise.

So my instructions are the usual. Call with bleeding or more than 6 contractions and hour. I am a little unnerved, but trying to hold it together. I have 1 week to go till another u/s. I am just going to try to take it easy.

23+4 and Holding Strong?

2010-07-31T08:56:00.002-04:00

I am, well, baffled. This week last time around is when the shit hit the fan. I went into preterm labor and my cervical length began its great descend to nothingness. So when I arrived at my appointment yesterday I was pretty nervous.

I was hoping for my favorite U/S tech, but decided I would be happy with anyone other than the one I had last week. I got a woman I never met before. She was super confident, super fast and super efficient. I watched images of the girl flash on the screen. Head, body, kidney blood flow (yeah, looks like she has 2:) She is weighing in at 1lb 10 ounces already. Nice. Then onto the old cerv.

I watched the first measurement come up. I was expecting a number to toss me in the "scary yet still gray area" because that is how I roll. The numbers pop up in the lower right of the screen and I can't even always see the whole thing. But wouldn't you know: 3.9. What? I am holding strong? What? Me? I am totally baffled at this point. After the tech left the room, I balled. Relief, and continued fear.

I did start feeling an uptick in contractions this week, but nothing alarming. I guess the progesterone really is doing the trick. And this week will begin to tell us what happened last time around. I am starting to think the it was the PTL all along that started the ball rolling, not IC. Only time will tell.

But I can not ignore the pessimist in me who thinks: well, my dates could be off. Next week could be the bad week. And I don't have an U/S for 2 weeks, though I do see my OB next week. I forgot what this living week to week thing was like. Hoping to just make it one more. I remember thinking: if I can just get to 28 weeks, if I can just get to 30 weeks, if I can just get to 32 weeks-- then I'll feel ok, safe. But you never do till you get within a few weeks of term, do you?

22+2 with 2/10 cm loss

2010-07-21T15:11:00.002-04:00

So my cervix went from 3.9 to 3.7. The u/s tech seemed a little lost. I watched her try to measure my length over and over. She didn't really seem to know what she was doing. So I am chalking up the very minor dip to her shaky hand.

I see my OB on friday for a spec and manual check. Then back for another u/s next friday at 23+4. The very same gestational where my cervix bailed last time. Could be interesting!

I am doing a terrible job of documenting my pregnancy. With D. I took pictures all the time. Here is the first one I took so far!

Love! Joy!

2010-07-18T10:04:00.003-04:00

Little Boy Hank arrived yesterday. The son of one of my most favored blogger and real world friends. Go say a HUGE and much awaited congrats to G$ at Makes You Stronger! She will be one of the most glorious Mama's ever!

Not much to report from me. We just arrived home from a week at the beach. My garden is a disaster. Seems my tomatoes have contracted a fatal in incurable fungus. I am a gardening failure. My ego, as it pertains to keeping things alive, didn't really need a blow at this very moment. Whatever.

I have an U/S to check on my cervix and stitch tomorrow. I am just about 22 weeks, so I am anticipating there could be a little change this week, but hoping not. I have been having occasional very slight spotting. Really, just barely a bit of pink. I'll mention it to my Peri. I have also had a little spotting following exams (speculum and trans-vag u/s.) But I suppose that is pretty normal.

1 day short of half way

2010-07-05T12:59:00.002-04:00

We make it to 20 weeks tomorrow: the famed and somewhat dreaded midway mark. It is from now till 28 weeks that I find the most terrifying. It is the window of cervical misbehaving. For now, I am holding strong at 3.9cm. But last time around it dropped at 23 weeks, and it went fast. I just keep telling myself... that is what the stitch is for...

DH gave me the P17 shot for the first time this week. I am on my third week of it and it seems to be doing the right thing. Haven't felt any contractions yet. He did a good job with the needle. Just the smallest of bruises. I actually suspect he really likes doing it.

We head to the beach for a week on Saturday, which is both exciting and scary. I love the sea, but being 2 hours from my OB and Peri will certainly cause me some stress. I saw the peri 4 days ago and see my OB tomorrow. So really, it will be less than a 2 week interval, but the longest I have gone without a check the entire pregnancy.

Been a tough week at home. The boy has been really sick. It started with hives all over his face and limbs on Wednesday. By Saturday morning it was a runny poo fest. Poor thing. His bedsheets have been changed more this week than in a lifetime. I still feel like I am up to my elbows in sh*t. Parenting is gross. But I think he is turning a corner. He is lethargic with a low grade fever today. I think the illness is finally breaking. I hope.

All's well on the cervical front...

2010-06-19T13:09:00.003-04:00

The past few weeks have been, well, full. We sold our house. Our mortgage for the new house collapsed. The mortgage was revived from the dead. We closed and went straight to the airport to send DH off to Europe for work for nearly two weeks.

In his absence the boy got sick, so I was pretty home bound. And with the cerclage and previa I am not allowed to lift. So unpacking has been impossible.

Then my laptop died. Ugh. Then it got fixed! For free!

Finally I had a peri/OB combo day yesterday with lots of excitement. First, my length is holding out great. In the 3.9 range. Then I found out that the Previa had already clear the cervix by 3 cm! That is one fast moving placenta! THEN, I found our we are having a girl! Holy Sh*t! I thought for sure I was going to remain a woman surrounded by boys! But I was proved so wrong! No boy parts in there. Finally, I ran over to the OB's office and got my first 17P injection. For those of you who don't know, 17P is a shot of progesterone given weekly to "calm" an irritable uterus-- of which I have one:) The shot goes deep into the muscle and the fluid its thick-- so it takes a while to go in. My husband has to learn how to give it to me, but I am not so sure about all that. I'll be on it from 17-36 week.

All is good here. I still feel like I am just waiting for the shit to hit the fan-- but trying to enjoy life on my feet. Hope all is well for all of you out in blogland.

Previa

2010-06-03T13:22:00.002-04:00

It wouldn't be me if my body did not decide to throw something else into the mix. I went in for my 15 week u/s cervical cerclage check and found out I have a placenta previa. I have had about a million ultrasounds, so when the tech pointed it out, it was clear to me that only a small portion of the placenta is touching the cervix. So I feel hopeful that it will resolve itself. That said, if it doesn't migrate and my cervix starts to funnel, I am expecting a lot of drama... and blood.

I am handling it pretty well. Probably because it is still early and it looks pretty marginal. We'll see.

Cervix and stitch look fine. 3.4 cm and holding.

Cercalge + Recovery

2010-05-23T11:32:00.002-04:00

So the whole procedure was, well, weird. General anesthesia is a no-no in pregnancy, so when you have a cerclage placed you are fully aware and awake. I find operating rooms strange, and have been in many. They are cold, sterile places, as they should be. But they always seem so strangely large as well, which makes you feel even more vulnerable.

I was given a spinal, which was easy. The OR nurses were awesome, supporting and caring. I felt well taken care of. My legs started to get heavy and I was laid back on the table. I was covered in a blow up, heater blanket to keep warm. I was strapped down to the table at the hips and my legs were lifted into the hanging stirrups and draped. The table was tilted back, so my head was lower than my hips. Bright lights were illuminated and my OB went to work.

I had thankfully thought to ask if I was allowed to listen to my (eye)-pod. So as soon as the procedure began I cranked my music and closed my eyes. The whole thing was just too surreal to be present for it. I felt some tugging, pressing and pulling, but no pain. And it was done in a flash. I think I listened to less than 2 songs.

It took a long time for my feeling to come back in my legs. I spent hours in recovery gorging on crackers and juice. I was starved. About 5pm I finally made it to the bathroom and peed - which ok'ed my discharge. I was bleeding, though not bad.

I spotted on and off for the next 24 hours and had some pretty severe cramping for the 12 hours following the placement. What I did not expect was to get the dreaded spinal headache about 36 hours after anesthesia. I actually think mine was not as bad as it could have been. But the worst part was that I felt ok laying down, and felt like hell if I stood or sat up. So while I tried my best to not be confined to bed, it was really my only option for the following 3 days. What a drag. Upside? I did not change a diaper for 4 days! It was glorious!

A week following the cerlage placement I had a follow up with the Peri's and then my OB. The stitch looks great and my cervix is long and firm - though I wouldn't expect anything different at 13 weeks. I will be seeing the Peri's every other week and my Ob every other week - so an appointment every week. I feel good about the monitoring. My OB, in particular, is feeling really optimistic for me not seeing too much bedrest-- but I think he's nuts. Only time will tell.

Coming out...

2010-05-15T11:39:00.002-04:00

I am 12 weeks pregnant. But I know my good fortune can be a bitter pill for others. So I waited and waited, not quite knowing what to say, how to say it. An unimaginable number of my real world friends are in the TTC cue, and I know how much it hurts to hear someone cut in front of you. So while, of course we are happy, we've pretty much kept it to ourselves.

It also wouldn't be me if there was not drama. I had a lot of bleeding early on. Once that subsided I enjoyed a long stretch of non-barfing nausea. But superior to last time around where I wretched for weeks on end.

I had my cerclage placed 2 days ago. Bleeding and cramping has subsided, but I am just now getting a headache, I think from the spinal. Hopeful I am back to normal and up and about by tomorrow.

Chances are high I have a long stretch of bedrest in my future, complicated by a frisky toddler and a husband who will be spending a large part of the summer and fall in Europe. So me and the little dude will camp out with various family members and beg for their help and patience.

I don't know if anyone even comes here to read anymore. Nor can I predict how much I will be writing. But I like the idea of sharing my experience again -- especially since my IC is known and will be treated with a cerclage and P17 shots this time around. If my experience can be a resource for anyone with similar issues - then that something...

Children vs time.

2009-12-11T21:04:00.003-05:00

I was on the train and there was this spunky 5 year old who got on with her father. She had a lot of words and sat down in the handy-cap spot next to the call button. She enthusiastically asked he father questions about the button, what it did, what was written above it and why it was there. She was so lovely. He fathers response each time was sharp, bitter, snapping and mean. More often than not, he just told her to shut up. But in her wisdom, or oblivion, she continued to drown him with her inquisitiveness. Her relentlessness and resilience was both endearing and hopeful. I not sure she can keep it up till she can get away from her asshole of a father, but I hope so.

But she caught my eye because I have been thinking a lot about kids, who they become, how they change and how those changes challenge parents. When I think back to my life with D. as an infant, there were certainly "hard" parts. Sleep was challenging, and nursing, while lovely, was time consuming. Now that sleeping has recovered, and nursing is less frequent, I should have more time right? Nope. Now D-man is so mobile he takes a lot more monitoring. I think there is a curve, in a diagramatic sense, that is the relationship of the child's age to the mother's productivity. Not to say domestic labor is somehow unproductive - but I mean labor as in the money making, free-lancing, non domestic kind. I thought I would be at the "gets more done" stage when D. reached a year, but in fact I think it is still getting harder...

I am also starting to have some stress about having another - or trying to. DH has a big project going on that is taking him to a different continent about ever other month. And since bedrest and toddlers don't really jive, our original plan to TTC in March has now shifted to August. If I were your average pregnant person, with average lady parts, this would not be a biggie. But after losses, a septum resection, issues in each trimester, incompetent cervix and months in bed... well, let's just say I am a little freaked. I keep wondering if the septum is really gone? I know that is nuts. But I really want to go in for my annual and ask my OB to do a quick U/S. I just want to make sure nothing is there.

And I am also pushing 35. After you have been burned my the miscarriage bug, you take nothing for granted. The older I get, the more risk. I am not stupid enough to think, "that would never happen to me." It could. And if we wait, and I get pregnant and carry to term, I'll be delivering around my 36 birthday. Ugh.

The other part is, I hate to say this, but we would love a big family. Like, at least 3. That alone would dictate a rapid fire schedule. Uuuuhhhh. Who knows what to do. It is a mess really. So I guess we'll just wait. Despite the fact that I'd rather not. We'll wait. We'll wait. And I'll just keep telling myself that everything will be ok.

Rarely writing, but I finally had a few things to say

2009-12-05T15:26:00.004-05:00

It has been a wild week. There were countless, significant milestones I needed to mark... Here are just a few.

1.G from Makes you stronger stunned me, and herself and the rest of the blog-o-sphere with a viable, beating little bean at this weeks scan. Holy shit. Un-fucking-believable story. If I could have one single wish this year, it is for G to get her ass knocked up... and stay that way. At least for 9 months:)
2. The little D-man turned 1! Knock my fat ass over with a feather, has a year gone by already? I miss my little lump of mush, but also love watching him grow into a little person.
3. The boy said "Mama!" Two days after his birthday he started consistently saying it. Melt-worthy.
4. I did my first, paid workshop as part of our new start up (me and 5 friends.) Feels awesome to make some money outside of the academic crap-hole I have been sucked into.

Well, I have procrastinated long enough. I have a pound cake in the shape of a choo-choo-train to make and ice. The official birthday party is tomorrow.

I'm not sure when I stopped.

2009-10-28T22:18:00.004-04:00

It was not a decision. It just happened. Time was eaten up, and this place I had for myself, for you, lost its weight in my world. But I miss it here. Despite the face that I may be alone again. Where are you old friends?

Life is both good and busy. DH is hauling ass, working a ton. I am teaching, working on a start-up venture with friends and holding down the domestic end full-time. In other words, I and a FT-SAHM with two half-jobs. It is exhausting, but just fine. I struggle, but I have a great life and the good fortune to be able to choose either or both paths.

Motherhood is lovely and unexpectedly satisfying. I never thought I would ever entertain staying home full time - but I love it. Sometimes I feel like a big puss for that. But most of the time i couldn't give a damn what others think. My little dood will only be young once. I am greedy about my time with him.

There a big plans brewing for the next year. DH is traveling a ton (across the pond.) We hope to buy a bigger house in the spring. And we are trying to work out the details about expanding our family in the fall of 2010. It is a complicated dance - the work, the moving, the tricky pregnancy. But we'll figure it out. Nearly 4 months of bedrest and the pain of child birth have faded into the distance. I fear what bedrest will look like with a toddler running about. But I know we can do it. Not without the support of or wonderful families - but I know they are all excited to see our clan grow.

More than anything I stress about the stress - remembering those moments of hopelessness - of feeling like my body was failing so terribly. I remember the terror and fear of knowing that we could have lost him. I can only hope that if we successfully conceive again, that we'll be better prepared this time. We have a good doctor. We know how to treat my issues preventatively. We've been through it all.

I miss you blog-o-sphere. I hope you are swell.
xo

A year in pics

2009-07-26T20:38:00.003-04:00

A year of images. You can see the many U/S images early on. Leading to what looked like a "normal" pregnancy. Then to the hospital and out again. Then comes the little boy.

Slice me up into little pieces

2009-07-15T21:41:00.004-04:00

There are just not enough of me to go around. Mom-me, work-me, freelance-me, wife-me, friend-me, daughter-me, blog-me and on and on. This summer has been crazy, despite that it feels if I have achieved little. But that is not entirely true. The bathroom door and trim finally got painted. That has got to count for something.

But what is crazy to think about is that this time last year the shit was about to hit the fan. I was about to go into preterm labor, my cervix was shortening and none of my shithead doctors would help me. We hauled ass to a suburban hospital and were admitted straight away. I stayed there for a little over 4 weeks. Leaving my OB and heading to the burbs was the smartest thing we ever did. I am not sure if my son would be here today if we hadn't.

I have very few pictures of myself pregnant and not confined to a bed. So this is what I looked like this time last year.

Our little boy is rocking the house. Today was downright monumental.
- He started articulating da, da, da in a very purposeful and clear way.
- He started to sway a little when he heard music.
- He got a TOOTH!

I know, boring boring. But we are siked... And sad to see his grow so fast.

And then it just stopped:)

2009-06-03T09:05:00.002-04:00

So we have been letting baby D, cry himself to sleep. I don't like it, but he stopped falling asleep after nursing a few weeks ago - at least at bedtime. His social self was just wanting stay up with us. He was accumulating a sleep deficit. No napping well and being a real crabster. Then I realized that even if I nurse him, then lay with him in bed, he still need about 5 minutes of solid cry time. So cry.it.out it is. I know bedtime routines and sleep-stuff is a generally sensitive subject. Everyone needs to do what they think is best for the temperament of their child. This is what works for us.

Then last night, it just stopped. We stayed up late to see Nonie and Pop and then put him in bed awake. He wimpered a bit, then shut his eyes! Then this morning, I nursed him down, plopped him in bed and POOF! He was asleep. Super!

Despite our good fortune, we may be about to ruin it all. Today we depart on our first flight together as a family to a time zone on the other side of the country. Not sure how we will get him adjusted to the west coast, a strange bed and the evening sounds of old friends catching up. We are on our way to see our dearest of friends and their little nursling, Mr. Finn. It promises to be a great trip, with the added bonus of meeting my dear internet friend G - live and in the flesh! Awesomesauce!

So wish us luck on two flights and a layover. I will have a darling boy attached to my b00b nearly all day. I am feeling more chill about it today than I was yesterday. The benefit of seeing old friends outweighs my anxiety:)

And a pic for the road:)

Bugger

2009-05-24T09:25:00.002-04:00

Six months since I gave birth and my period has returned, despite exclusively breastfeeding. Bugger.

It is amazing that the sight of blood still results, initially, in complete panic. I guess it will be some time till I can look down, see blood, and not freak out.

I suspected something was going on 2 weeks ago, when I swore I felt ovulation pains. My poor digestion and irritable bowels also returned. Two days ago I started into my first extended, yet dull, headache. Doctors that don't subscribe to the effects of hormones on a woman's body are just stupid. It effects me - totally and completely. Even thought my pregnancy was a trainwreck, it did relieve me of a few things - all of which are suddenly returning. Bummer.

Well, here is to hoping that the flow will be short, light and infrequent.

Seriously siked

2009-05-21T15:08:00.003-04:00

Last nights "cry it out" was not so bad. We established a nice routine: get changed, read 2 books, nurse, then into bed. He whaled for about 10 minutes then sacked out. This all by 7:10 pm:) He did wake twice before 8 and cry, but after that he was out. I am still trying to figure out what to do with all the extra free time!

Then this morning, he did a stellar job taking 2 crib naps in the morning and 1 in the afternoon! Huh? Its like the more he sleeps the more he wants to sleep. Rad. I hope this evening goes as smoothly, especially since I am here tooting my horn.

We are also going to start rice cereal today. Last night he helped himself to a fist full of cous cous off of DH's dinner plate. Didn't make it to his mouth, but almost. So he is officially mooching:) Very cute.

Battling to sleep

2009-05-20T08:21:00.002-04:00

We have finally hit a wall. A bedtime wall. DH believes we coddle the boy too much. I just want a calm and soothing bedtime experience, so I attempt to keep crying to a minimum. But bedtime has become exhausting.

It started when I foolishly read a book on sleep issues - given to me by a friend. It is of the hardcore, cry it out, variety. Not really my thing. But lately, I am swaying. We try to be consistent. There are 2-3 naps a day. Ideally in the crib, but not always. They are ideally at least an hour, but not always. I nurse him, then he gets a bounce and a shhhhhhh cribside. Lately, you can put him in the crib, but he may wake right away or in the next ten minute. Repeat bounce and shhhhh, and hope for the best. It does not always work.

Then there is bedtime. We usually wait till we see eyerubbing, but I think this is actually the problem. I think by the time he is rubbing the eyes we are too late. He is over tired. He has been clusterfeeding in the 6-7 pm hour. I actually think this is his own bedtime preparation. Anyhow, what usually happens is about 7:30-8, I nurse him again, then bounce and shhhh. Sometimes he takes it, but more often now he starts to rub his eyes frantically, popping out the nuk repeatedly and then on to screaming. DH steps in and we rotate back and forth based on what our moods can stand. Last ditch effort is to lay in bed with him.

Well, tonight.... Tonight we are going to try to put him in the crib without the bounce and shhh. We made a plan so we are in alignment and not making decisions on the fly, in the thick of it. We are moving bedtime up to 7, for sure. We are establishing a calming routine for the 30-45 minutes prior. Reading, nursing, etc. Then a short bounce, then into the crib. We decided on 30 minutes of crying without going in, picking up, etc. This is going to be VERY taxing on me. But I know what we have been doing is not working. In fact, it has become a disaster, and not good for anyone. I need, very much, for bedtime to change. We are going to give it three days and see how it goes. Honestly, it can not get much worse:) Well, I suppose it could.....

If only ever nap could be like this one:

Musings on bloggyness

2009-05-17T09:44:00.002-04:00

Oh, how life has changed. I still read all of the many blogs that I read while TTC and on bedrest, but I feel so disconnected. I want to cheer everyone on, and am continually thankful for the near 2 years of support I have been given from this community. But as a new parent, one of the ones who "succeeded," I feel like a bit of a chump. It is like being stuck between two worlds. One where I relate whole-heartedly to those on the roller-coaster, or on couch-arrest. But where I "fit," momentarily, into the fertile world. I am one of the lucky ones who conceived and birthed a child (not without many scary moments.) Yet I still feel uncomfortable when I see a pregnant woman out and about in the world. Oh, aren't you special to be pregnant and allowed to do your own grocery shopping! I make a lot of assumptions about how easy it is for other women. I know my assumptions are sometimes wrong, even cruel.

The spring has been a rude awakening. As the frost melts, I have been spending more time out in the world-- strolling the boy around the neighborhood. I have run into many an acquaintance who never even knew I was pregnant, let alone have a six month old! It feels weird to have to rehash my rocky pregnancy in a way that is palatable to someone you don't know so well. Surely, not everyone needs to know about the mechanics of my faulty cervix (ewww.) I certainly don't share what came before then. No one really wants to hear about your multiple miscarriages and your lap/hyst.

I am, in general, a shy person-- with strangers at least. It takes a lot out of me to negotiate small talk. I feel nervous and silly. Being a parent has not changed that. I know some women who have "blossomed" after having kids. Their children become a conduit through which they are more free in conversation. "We have the same stroller! Oh my gosh, I have never seen anyone with that stroller!" I don't know if it is the predictability of the conversations, or the strange personal nature of them that turns me off. Either way, I am whole-heartily disinterested in talking with strangers about my son. Yes, that is sweet and nice that someone tells me they think he is cute-- but seriously, what else would one say! Um, your baby's ears stick out funny!?! I don't have the privilege of recounting my smooth pregnancy and uncomplicated, unmedicated birth. I don't get to compare notes after running into a couple I attended birth classes with. I couldn't go to birth classes, because I was stuck in bed! My son is a person, not an accessory. He is a baby like any other. And while he is very special to me, I don't want his to grow up thinking he is the center of the universe. I want him to be part of the collective universe. I guess when it comes to him in public space, I am much more private than I thought I would be. He is not a trophy. He is a little boy.

And perhaps being outed from both camps is ok for now, because my glorious and beautiful boy takes up most of my time (phew, if feels good to brag about how marvelous he is.) But I suspect the day will come when I need to lean on this blog again. There will be questions about progesterone shots, bleeding and a cerclage. There will be musings about how to mind a toddler when you are supposed to stay in bed. At least I hope there will be. Not to say that I look forward to another complicated pregnancy. But I look forward to having another kid. If I am honest with myself, I would really like 4 or 5 (I am totally serious.) But on account of my body, 2 may be the limit. One, may actually be the limit. Who knows. I fear speculating.

I just love that I have this blog, and that I can read about everyone else's experiences too. It is just rad that this world, this place, exists for me-- and for you. So even though my posts are becoming few and far between, and won't forget how I am like you, and how you are like me. And I won't ever stop dreaming that all of you some day get what I am so amazingly fortunate to have. A child.

Oh, and the boy is sitting up! Joy!

Show and Tell - May 3, 2009

2009-05-03T09:16:00.004-04:00

It has been a long time since I participated in Mel's Show and Tell, but I made some cool stuff this week that I wanted to show. Even better, when I made my way to LFCA I read that Mel's book went on sale this week. How freaking cool is that! I LOVE the name. It feels like a sweet nod to the IF blogging community to use our lingo.

Anyhow, on to show and tell. I have been sewing a lot lately. Friends of ours, who I was somewhat estranged from during our m/c's and pregnancy, have a daughter who is turning 1 at the end of the month. She was conceived 2 weeks after our last loss. So I am still sometimes reminded that our baby would be 2 weeks older than her. But instead we have a gorgeous 5 month old boy - that we love more than anything. I have been making little things for our friends little girl because she is super cool, but also to make up for our absence during her first months of life. I just completed this dress for her birthday gift. She is a pretty rough and tumble little thing... So I am not sure how she will like it, but....

I also made a little stuffed birdie for D. for an easter gift. He fell in love with it and chews ravenously on its little head:) Last week, on a walk to the post office, D. set the birdie free. We retraced our steps, but she was off to greener pastures. Last night I finally got around to making a new one. He was so happy this morning. It is soaked through. Eww.

Still alive, kinda...

2009-04-27T20:25:00.003-04:00

I don't get sick very often. I save myself for high-drama medical events. But Saturday night I woke up with a terrible sore throat. I hoped it was an allergy, but alas, I spiked a fever about an hour ago and my nose is running like a faucet. I am worried about the boy, worried that I have spread my nasty funk to him. To make matters worse, it has been stupid hot here for days. We're talking well into the 90's... What up global warming!

So DH is upstairs attempting to put the boy down with a bottle of b00by milk. I think it was going well, and them I heard the crib rail fall. Damn thing, when we either of us ever get the hang of it.

Anyhow. I hope he sleeps, because i am just hot, inside and out. And to have his sweaty little body against me is just too much. I need to be well, so I can take care of his cute little butt!

So I did something bad. I started reading this damn book on sleep habits. Ya know, people lived for millions of years with out these little baby guides. But I was a little worried that the boy was not getting enough zzzzz's. His bedtime was getting later and later, and he was waking up later and later, which I hate. So I am holding to it. At least making concerted attempts at 2 solid naps a day. One in the morning, one in the afternoon - and crib only! It seems to be going really well. On the first day his bedtime bumped up to 8pm and wake time to 7am! I am siked. and while everyday will not be perfect, we are making strides.

Did I tell you how much I hate, I dread, I loath the heat? Anything about 70 degrees ad I get pretty cranky. Anything in the 90's and well, you don't want to be near me. It is a constant stream of abscenities and complaints..... Please!!! Make this shitty, swampy-ass, summer-like crap go away!

Laughs Hysterically

2009-04-19T09:08:00.000-04:00

Dr. Sears said this would happen...

The plight of the b00b

2009-04-08T21:40:00.002-04:00

I love nursing. In fact, the thought of giving it up already makes me a little sad. It is such a special time with my little dood. And I love the slowness of it...

But lately, it is making me exhausted. This week baby D. is feeling pretty mama-centric. I get home either at 5pm or 8pm - and no matter which, he literally wants to nurse from then on till bedtime. It is like literally having the life sucked out of me. I find a few minutes to eat some super, nurse some more and then have to eat again! It has gotten to be a little much.

And to top it off, he takes A LOT of breast milk from the bottle. Today, while I was at work for a mere 5 hours, he consumed 11 ounces of breast milk! I don't even make that much in 5 hours! I think it is just that he eat more from the bottle than the breast. But the thing is that my stock is dwindling. I am not even sure why I am freezing it when it gets thawed a day or two later. And waking up at 5 am to pump is not fun either! I don't want to introduce formula, so if anyone has recommendations for a lady with a piggy for a baby - let me know.

After my 5am pump last night I lay in bed unable to get back to sleep. I started worrying about if I could have another. Will my uterus abide? Will it be misbehavin? Will preventitive measures do the trick? Its too early to really think about it... but....

Hello world

2009-04-07T22:19:00.002-04:00

I miss you.

Post Baby Body

2009-03-21T19:41:00.002-04:00

Recovering from bedrest sucks. This is now the second time that I have thrown out my back since D. was born. It it terribly painful. I can barely walk. The chiropractor helped. At least he stretched me out enough so i could walk on my own. I swore I would never eat another meal in bed...... arg.

As for the remaining commentary on my post-pregnancy bod...

I think the average woman would probably reach through the internet to strangle me for saying this, but... I think I need to loose some weight, er something. I have never been someone who thinks a whole lot about my figure. I suppose that is because I have been pretty fortunate. I am of a medium build. I have been blessed with a flat tummy and a slender waist. I have an average sized chest and a big round booty, both of which I have been quite satisfied with.

I had trouble gaining weight during my pregnancy. But in the last 2-3 weeks I really packed it on. Breast feeding was a god-send, helping to peel the pounds off pretty quick. I don't know if I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. But I do know that compared to some I have been really lucky. My boobs are still pretty huge, despite having shrunk a bit since I gave birth.

But I am sick of wearing ill-fitting maternity shirts. I am also sick of wearing the tight shirts that I used to wear. I am comfortable in neither. Shirts are complicated because they have to work for nursing. It's also nice if they don't get stretched out throughout the day on account of being hiked up all of the time. The boobs and the clothing dilemmas they create are managable.

It is the jeans that are driving me nuts. I don't look bigger, but I feel bigger. I suspect my hips widened during pregnancy and that is the culprit. Buying jeans is never fun, but I feel like now when I try things on I am inside of a totally different body. Nothing fits right and nothing looks good. I feel frumpy, dumpy and gross. I wear the same jeans ever day cuz they are the only ones that even look ok. My favorite jeans from last year, while they fit, are really uncomfortable in the hips and waist.

I just feel like I am trapped in a strangers body. And when I look in the mirror I see a "mom" with a mom-body.... and I hate it. I always felt a little frisky and hot before. Not that I had the greatest body, but I was curvy and cute. Now I feel drippy, saggy, stretchy and loose. Yes, I know, exercise! But I hate exercising and have never had to before..... Arg. Poor me, right.

Go ahead.
Try to smack me from the other side of the interweb.
I deserve it.

Bligggggity blog

2009-03-09T22:59:00.002-04:00

What to do on this very late night
but write on my blog for a bit despite
i am so tired and drained to the bone
cuz the boy has been hanging on my boob since i got home.

the rhythm of this poem has got me down
i decided not to edit even if it makes me frown
it seems best now to mention a few internet friends
some who are triggering and some on the mend

G's ovaries are doing a super job
I am so happy for them I think I might sob.
And Brynn has discovered she loves to nurse
and well, Sara her mom is a nurse!?! (not funny, or rhyming)

And I am happy to say
that I am being so brave
I have bought a ticket on a big ol' airplane
to see my bestest friend
who lives on the the other side of the country.
No drugs to sedate me
cuz i am feeding the boy
i have stopped rhyming all together
cuz i am loosing my mind.

blah blah blah

If you are still reading you are some kind of blogger champ. or just have too much time on your hands. This is where i distract you with pictures of my spawn. Who I love so much that I could just eat him....

Constant changes

2009-02-24T08:35:00.004-05:00

I keep thinking I will write these things down somewhere. But here is still the best place since I have grand plans to bind a babybook but have yet to do it...

End of week 9:
Sucking his thumb
Holding and shaking the rattle
Trying to roll from back to side
Smiles are getting even bigger and more frequent
Better head control but still bobbles
Growing back the hair on the top of his head
Loosing the hair in the back
Stinky farts! (what did I eat?)

The thumbsucking, while I am unsure of how I feel about it, has been a life saver. He can now put himself back to sleep without us having to get up to put the nuk in. So he is only waking at 2am and 6 am for feedings. And sometimes he skips the 6 am. My b00bs feel like they might explode by morning. But we are all enjoying hours of uninterrupted sleep - which is lovely.

I got some patterns for some overalls. I just need to run out for fabric this week. We found that one pieces are much better with the cloth diapers. Pants look uncomfortable... So I am hoping to get more sewing done this weekend:)

More distractions....

Making stuff

2009-02-16T22:40:00.006-05:00

I have finally been getting some sewing done. I have been working on some birthday presents, but mainly, I have been altering baby D's clothes. I am a picky mom. I hate little puppies, dinosaurs and the like, plastered all over his clothes. I hate most plaids and love anything striped. So I have been cutting off all the dippy little characters from his clothes and making patches for them. DH has been working on them too:) Here is a sample.

I also just made a foot stool. I always use a foot stool while breastfeeding. I use the term "foot stool" lightly, since my foot stool since D was born has been an old, wooden clementine container. It is fine if I am wearing my slipers, but hurts with just socks. Today I spotted an old piece of foam in the basement and thought it would be good for padding. Then my mom gave me some cool fabric. So I covered the clementine box... Here it is...

Other baby D updates...
He has figured out how to get his hands in his mouth... Very exciting. Here he is sucking on his fist whilst looking at his own picture on Facebook!

And his most favorite thing in the world, right now at least, is to hang out in his crib and swat at his mobile. Hours of entertainment!

My baby ate my blog

2009-02-07T20:09:00.002-05:00

I don't know where to start.
I miss blogland. I miss checking lost and found every day to see how everyone is doing.
I feel like I crossed over to the dark side. Like I am no longer welcome in the world of TTC, bedrest, IF, etc.
I just can't keep up.
I am sick of one handed typing, so all commenting has come to an end. I do read though.

All is well.
I am content. And busy. And thankful.
Despite my body's perpetual failures in the reproductive sense, my boobs work pretty good. So that is excellent. He is growing like a weed.
Cloth diapering is going well.
Sleep is sparse but managable. He is actually a good sleeper, but has been congested for 4 weeks now with the cold that just won't die. So that has been wrecking any chance for really good sleep.
He is smiling.
He is cooing.
He is opening his hands more.
He grabs my bra and tickles my side when he nurses.
He smiles in his sleep.
He loves to be on the change table.
He loves to play in his crib.
He sleeps good in the swing... at night.
He is not too fond of the daytime nap.
He is less interested in sleeping on us than he used to be.
He is warm and cuddly.
He is a good traveler.
He is a good nurser.
He has his moments, although pitching fits is not really his thing.
He was over 13 pounds at last check.
His cloth diapers give him a big, pudgy butt:)

I am still not so comfortable in my skin as a mother.
I love him a whole lot.
I miss him when I am away.
I am sure he was worth everything I went through to bring him into the world.
I am healthy and back to "normal" says my OB.
I am scared to have sex on account of the trauma my parts went through.
I will have to have a cerclage if I ever get pregnant again. And P17 shots.
I am still who I was before. Just distracted.

For those of you who use Face.book, you surely know about the "25 things" meme going around. Well, the latest meme is called "First Born." It is for moms to remember stuff about their first pregnancy, birth and child. No one has tagged me. Guess nobody really wants me to relive that. What really pisses me off about that damn "first born" meme is the question: WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
WTF?
"Natural"
That word pisses me off to no fucking end. Was it natural? No. It was really fucking unnatural. I mean, is there anything really "natural" about having your crotch ripped in two? Is that somehow more natural than having a doctor cut your skin? Be it an episiotomy or a cut across your abdomen? And then to see people answer all cheery, "Yes, all natural!!" I have yet to see someone answer, "No, it was unnatural."

In the end it reminds me of the dreaded question: How many pregancies have you had? Followed but the other dreaded: How many live children do you have? They should make a FB mame for IFer's and those with recurrent loss. Wouldn't that be fun.

Damn fertiles are all the same. They are just so into their ability to procreate with such ease. I am less salty about it than I used to be. But it is still irritating.

I have no idea where I am going with this post. Or whether I should even continue to write on this blog. Months of bedrest is fading into the distance, along with the rest of my pre-baby life. I have a bad memory anyhow. But "new mom dumb" takes the cake. I am way dumber than miscarrige me, pregnancy me or bedrest me. I am pretty dull. Happy. But dull.

So I will distract you with cute photos of the boy I tried so much to have and finally did. I'd be an ass to not admit that I love him more than life. Because I do.

Finding the time

2009-01-17T12:29:00.003-05:00

I am posting directly into blogger. Usually I write elsewhere then cut and paste - but time is short, so you'll just have to read this typos and all.

Baby D. has been sick. I somehow thought that newborns got a free pass on sicknesses. Nope. They catch colds just like you and me. So at the ripe age of six weeks my poor little guy is all full of boogies. He seems to have had 2 peeks already. Once with a sight fever that sent us to the doctors. But really, all we can do is saline in the nose and use the boogie sucker. Works good enough. Except those panic moments in the middle of the night when I wake up to the sound of him choking on his own snot. It sucks.

Despite the illness, the boy is good. He is a pretty easy baby and a pretty good sleeper. He is starting to give us the hint of a smile here and there, which is awesome. Usually it is when he is on the change table:)

We started in with cloth diapers this week. Not full time, but as much as we can manage... Trying to save some money.

Ok... So, the boy is crying, and this post is boring. More later about the biggest soupiest asspolsion I have ever witnessed!

In addition to the post below about web identity

2009-01-07T08:59:00.002-05:00

I should be more generous.
My MIL uses an image of my son in her profile because she is excited to be a grandmother - and that is a good thing.
Some days I want to hide away with my little guy, and keep all the world from him - even those who love him.
But it is not good for him... or for us as a family.
Today I will think about being more generous.

Your web identity (and mine)

2009-01-06T14:52:00.002-05:00

I am on Fa.ce.bo.ok.
I was before and then "erased" myself because I thought the whole thing was creepy. But then about a week before D. was born I started going on it again. It proved a great way to announce D.'s arrival to the world. Many of my friends use it, as does DH's extended family. Horray for social networking.

But I wonder about the images we post as we expose our lives to the world. What is the picture we paint? And this goes for our blogs too. Here, I am the girl with the miscarriages, the septum, the incompetent cervix and finally... One of the ones lucky enough to give birth to a real live baby. But, of course, we are all more than this little window we open to the world.

But back to Fa.ce.bo.ok - cuz it is such a weird beast. There we have a "profile" to expose both our physical selves, but also to list all those things we deem significant enough to represent us to the world. What gets left out here?

But it is not the "profile" or the idea of "friends" that has my panties all in a bunch. It is the images that we choose to represent ourselves that I can not figure out. I vowed never to make D. part of my profile picture. It started out when I realized some of my very conservative family members were very formulaic in their choices of profile pics. It was that the women always posted a picture of themselves with their husbands. Not once, always. It was never just them... Like, here I am - just me - the independent lady. It was always: Here I am wife to this dude to my left. Blech.

Then after having D. I realized that 90% of the folks my age were posting pics of their kids instead of themselves, and I thought that was really weird too. Then finally I was friended by a woman who ONLY has pictures of her kids. Not one of herself. Dag. She's done gone disappeared herself all together. She is nothing but her kids?

I know. It is just Fa.ce.bo.ok. Who cares, right? It is not like this is a true picture of ones identity. But as women, as mothers, as wives, as partners, as former and current infertiles (however we define that) how do we choose to represent ourselves online?

I just know that I am me. Yes, D. is more than me. I put him first and will always. And he will be part of my identity and also part of my "profile." But where is the line that women draw between themselves and their family members? When does our family consume us? And have we thought about what it means to freely pass the image of our children around? What about their identity? They have no say in the distribution of their image.

Dunno.
And I am friends with some of you who read this and who do have pictures of your babies or family as your profile... Please don't think I am judging you. I am not. I am just considering this, curious really. Hell, right now I have a picture of me with my cat. In my sick head I was using this image to make up for how I have neglected him (the cat) over the last weeks:) As if he knows I posted it.

But I think what I have the hardest time with was seeing that my MIL has now swapped out the profile picture of her and FIL to a picture of just my baby D.
My
Baby
D.

Mine. Belonging to me. My son.

She has overstepped me. She has consumed and distributed the image of my son as a representation of herself. Somehow, my son is who she is? And that really bothers me. It makes me sad that I did not consider better how his image would be in the virtual world. Who might take it, use it and pass it around. It also makes me feel terribly possessive. It does not help that she is also posting a daily status about him like his birthday, his weight, etc. But she is also openly discussing how productive my breasts are with her sisters on her wall? WTF? I am a person. Not a cow. I am a mother to D. But I am still me.

Some thoughts on this?

Reflecting on Milkiness

2008-12-29T20:21:00.003-05:00

Not a milk lover.
Never have been.
But I have become a cereal junkie.
And because of it, now consume at least 3 times the milk I used to.
I drink a lot of milk, I make a lot of milk...

And then there is the b00bs. After having been through miscarriage, the removal of my septum and a very difficult pregnancy, I feel as though I have earned the right to brag about the fact that my b00bs work. They make milk. And baby D. is generally a good nurser. He has his moments, where he gets pissed off and slams his baby fists on my chest. He also has moments where hunger becomes secondary to play - and in his antics, chokes on a gulpful of the milky stuff - sending me into panic mode.

And although breastfeeding is going well, it is far from perfect. Together we have our moments of frustration. I am too engorged and he can't latch. Or he is to wound up, or playful to stay latched properly - dripping liquid gold slowly down his cheek and onto his shoulder. I also feel like sometimes I just can not get us in the right position. It is kind of like stepping on your partners toes whilst dancing:)

Like for instance... I just returned to this here post after attempting to nurse a fussy Mr. D. I have been trying to nurse him more, for longer periods, since he is a nurse-napper. Today has been great. He ate well and slept well till this evening. He started doing this thing where no matter what position I put him in he can not latch properly or constantly breaks the latch. That is when he inhales milk and gages and coughs wildly. So I took him upstairs to bed so I could nurse him laying down. Oddly, this position is the one in which he is least likely to choke. He latched on good, started eating, then 2 minutes later went back to his "crazy" routine: loosing the latch, choking, swinging his head back and forth, acting as if the nipple is not right in front of him. I don't understand this behavior. So I decided he was not looking to nurse out of hunger, swaddled that bugger up and called DH. DH came up and rocked him till he dosed. Now he is laying in the sidecar, half-asleep, with a pacifier in his mouth. I am guessing he is just fighting sleep, but who knows??

So do these occassional feeding fits require the use of a professional (lactation consultant?) Is this just normal behavior? Most days he is such a champ with the nursing, that when he has a rough go at it, I am just baffled at what to do?

Anyhow... Here is a pic of us multi-tasking.
I nurse D.
DH gives D. a manicure:)

Goodbye Christmas...

2008-12-27T17:58:00.001-05:00

It's over. We made it. I wish it was a great christmas, a christmas that you come home exhausted but overjoyed. I will always remember it as D.'s first, but that is about it. Instead, I was just glad we were all in one piece and there was no major confrontations with family. You see, despite adoring my family, I come from one of "those" families where the holidays brings out the very best. And by best I mean worst. My one sister, who only comes around once a year at best, loves to stir the familial pot. She skips from room to room all day long gossiping to anyone she can about the last sibling and or family member she was just talking to last. My other sister (miserably divorced, three kids she hates, and a boyfriend who has made it clear he wants only her, not her family) is a trainwreck - for the obvious aforementioned reasons. My brother and his family are great, but they keep their distance because it is sad to have to watch my sister with her frightening parenting skills.

All hell broke loose the weekend prior to christmas, precipitating in a particularly awkward xmas day. I love my sisters kids, but they have a lot of behavioral issues. Both of their parents have problems. Their father wants little to do with them. My sister, the same. My parents, their grandparents, do the majority of the parenting. My sister is an angry, angry person. She is hot tempered and her erratic behavior is difficult for her children to gage. Add all this up, with the shuffling of the kids from parent to parent, and you get some pretty mixed up children. Children who are impulsive. Children who do not have a lot of self control or understand the consequences of their actions.

Actions like this for instance... my 3 year old nephew climbs up on the couch next to me and D. and jumps, literally jumps, on my newborn baby as I nurse him. This actually happened. I have never, ever been so frightened in my entire life. I flung my nephew off of us, jumped up, D. whaled and I turned as white as a freshly washed sheet. My nephew was equally alarmed. But nothing compared to the tantrum my sister followed with. A slew of profanities came flying out of her mouth, directed at my nephew - but also self-depricating - about how she "can never to anything right." I know she was upset and embarrassed at her son's behavior. But he is three. He doesn't understand that D. can't wrestle with him, ride on the tractor or just play. Part of the problem is that no one has ever sat my nephew down and told him these things - told him that D. is just a tiny baby, that he is delicate, that you must be calm around him. My sister prefers screaming to discussion - so that is what you get when she is around.

My beautiful baby boy came out unscathed - despite the terrible sound of flesh hitting flesh and bones knocking together. D. stopped crying shortly after and continued to nurse happily. DH and I were another story - totally traumatzed. We called the pediatrician just to be safe, wondering if we ought to go to the emergency room. Our doc said not to worry. To instead just watch for any number of symptoms. In the end, he was fine. He is fine. He is great. And we learned a valuable lesson. Little kids keep a safe distance.

Christmas was a few days later. My sister never called to check on D. She never apologized to me. On Christmas day, she did not speak to me once. She did not look me in the eye once. She avoided me completely. Our relationship was already strained, but it has been destroyed. Not by just this one incident, but by a slow erosion of trust. It made for a very sad Christmas, but also a stressful day where DH and I felt like we had to be particularly vigilant - knowing just where D. was at all times, who was holding him and did they know not to let the kids near him? It just sucked really.

We are glad to be home.
Glad to have a day to hang with D. and do nothing.
Hoping that perhaps next year will be different. Better. Calmer. A holiday where we establish our own traditions, our own holiday.

The Beauty of Instinct

2008-12-20T22:00:00.001-05:00

Biology has been on my mind. I would like to think that what happened to me yesterday happens to any new mom, no matter how she became a mom, so I am not sure the biological end is important as I first thought. I had the most intense, physical reaction in response to fear for my child's safety. I have since been both frightened and amazed by my mind and my body's ability to do/feel/sense this. It was all just so bizarre and beautiful and lovely.

It was not a monumental event. My MIL & FIL asked to come for a visit. This weekend was already jammed with visitors so the only day available was friday evening. I agreed reluctantly because I knew FIL had been pretty sick with a cold early in the week. But I assumed D.'s grandparents would remember that a 2 and a half week old baby can not be exposed to sick folks. So when they asked to come, I just assumed everyone was well and over their colds.

So last night DH had just swaddled D. and placed his sleeping cuteness on the couch. I sat beside him, needle felting, attempting to start making christmas gifts. MIL & FIL knock on the door and came in. FIL makes a bee-line for D. and immediately picked up my slumbering bundle. There was no hand washing involved. I am not a super stickler about the hand washing, but they had been to dinner (hand to mouth) and post-sick folks often blow their noses, no? So freaking wash your god damn hands!!! Nope. He just picked him right up.

DH sat between FIL and me on the couch. I busily felted, trying to ignore FIL's hoarseness and how he just generally sounded sick to me - whilst holing my child. I began to just boil. I was nearly twitching. I could not look at him. I was scared. I felted faster. I finally burst by abruptly blurting out, "Are you sure you are ok, because you don't really sound ok.... D. is only two weeks old and I just don't know how to care for a sick baby!" The room seemed to stop for a sec. FIL suggested he could put on a mask he had brought with him. Um, no.

Just.
Put.
Down.
My.
Baby.

MIL seemed to get it, because not long after she took D. from him and did not let him near him the rest of the evening. I was much calmer.

Call it the "new mom crazies."
Call it overly cautious.
Call it totally rational and just acting on behalf of a child you worked your ass off to birth and love more than life itself.
But who comes to visit a 2 week old baby when they are still clearly not over a cold? Who puts their own want for a visit above the health of a very, very new baby?
I am irrationally upset about it.
I am shocked by my own reaction, which was swift, visceral and intense.
I am shocked to know that I am capable of such instinctual and fierce behavior. I am shocked that I am an animal - I think we all forget this.
No matter how one gets to be a mom, I have no doubt that this mechanism is in full force for most moms. It is a scary and gorgeous thing. And I am glad it is there.

Starting to write again....

2008-12-18T17:32:00.002-05:00

Not sure where to start... I have never not posted for so long. Little Baby D. has been eating up my life and my time. We are doing great, well, he is doing great. Physically, I am a bit of a trainwreck. After finally healing from being cracked in two during childbirth, I pulled out my back. Then, on Sunday, I had to go into the emergency room after spiking a fever of 102.5. Tests revealed a kindey infection. So that explained the crippling back pain. Couple a muscle spasm with some kidney pain and you may find yourself yelping out in pain at the very attempt to stand up. But the antibiotics seem to be doing the trick and my back seems to be finally healing. My lady-parts are also shaping up. I can still feel the stitches, but the pain is much less than it was. My poor vag. It will never be the same! (I said that exact thing to my OB while he was stitching my crotch back together... He assured me one day it would be just like its former self:)

As for my new pal, D., he is super cool. His head smells like pure love. I sniff it and rub my cheeks on it any chance I can get. It is sick. He does something new everyday. More recently he likes to "play" with my boobs when he finishes nursing. Or pound on them with his fists if my milk does not come in fast enough. It is pretty funny. My right boob is what we call the "trick boob." It holds out on him for about 15 seconds, then lets down really fast. He inevitably chokes and I have to toss him upright and frantically pound on his back. This does not faze him. He just gets a little mad and wants back on the boob. We have quiet a routine. I like nursing more than I thought I would. I am already starting to feel sad about the thought of going back to work in a month and having to pump. But it will be nice bonding time for DH. And I think I'll survive.

He is also growing like a weed. At his one week check up he was 7.7. At his two week check up he was 8.6??? Huh? I didn't even know they could grow that much in a single week. But I wondered why some of his outfits suddenly looked "floody" on him. I just thought I shrank them:) Nope. Bugger. Something works! My boobs saved the day! Speaking of the boobs. Pre-pregnancy = 34C. Nursing = 38E. Wholly crap. I am just so grateful for this. Yes, toting these mellons around is not ideal. And I look like the star of "Debb.ie Doe.s Dall.as" but who gives a damn! For once, a single part of my body has done something the way it is supposed to. Rock on with your bad selves!

I have been trying to read my blogs and keep track of all of you. Sorry for the neglect. It seems everyone is holding strong though. Awesome. Seems you can live without me. I got to send a shout out to my best girls:
G - the long lost love of my life... Thanks for being a perpetual distraction. Between you and D. I will never get a thing done again:) And gladly.
Sara - Hang in there girl. You and Brynn are troopers. You're doing great!
Heather - Thinking about you tomorrow and sending you lots of good vibes. A+L are lucky to have such an awesome Mommy!

I guess at some Point I should write something about the experience of birth. Or perhaps I should allow it to gently fade into my memory, as I will the 14 weeks of bedrest. With the fading of those memories, I may actually consider doing this again one day. But for now, D is my world. I am so freaking lucky. I know how huge this is. This little creature that I wanted so badly. I don't even know how who to thank, or how I could ever even be as thankful as this miracle deserves. I'll just pray, and I don't pray, that all the people I love in the world who want this experience, may some day have it.

D woke up
Must cut short

Pics o D.

2008-12-03T14:49:00.004-05:00

We are home. Everyone is content. D. is taking a nap on DH. We decided, selfishly, that we are going to spoil him with love. I'd love to get him to sleep for extended periods in the crib, but for now, naps on the belly are making the whole family happy...

he is here

2008-12-01T20:20:00.002-05:00

dashiell peter was born today at 5:01 pm weighing 7lb 11 ounces.
He is healthy and happy!
Will try to post some pics tomorrow. Thanks to all of you for being such great support!

3:50 am - on way to hospital

2008-12-01T03:52:00.001-05:00

Contractions every 3-5 mins.
Wish us luck.
m

Show and Tell - Nov. 30, 2008

2008-11-30T18:22:00.006-05:00

For Mel's Show and Tell I am sharing the recipe for my most favorite food in the whole world. Although my family just calls it "the Log," I am going to call it the "Labor Log" for today's purposes - hoping that by consuming it, I will go into labor:) We only make it at Thanksgiving and Xmas. It is a cheese log coated in pecans. It showcases the trashiest of trashy foods - including a canned meat. Yummy! Don't try to dress it up with fancier ingredients. It is awesome the way it is.

Holiday Labor Log (makes 2 logs)

1 package of Philly cream cheese
1 cup of shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 cup of chopped black olives
1 4.25 ounce of canned Deviled Ham
Chopped pecans enough to coat (probably about 2 cups)

Let the cream cheese come to room temperature. Toss it in the mixer with all the other ingredients except the pecans. Mix it up till all ingredients are blended well. Cut the mixture in half and use your hands to roll into a log shape. Lay it down in the chopped pecans and roll. Roll it up in plastic rap and toss it in the fridge to chill for a few hours. Serve with crackers.

Turkey and Trainwrecks

2008-11-28T10:23:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving, whilst thankful, was dull. The sweet potatoes, despite being made by my angry sister, were the highlight.

Conversation with same angry sister:
I ask: "I read today that my uterus is now taking up my entire abdominal cavity and pelvis. What I would like to know is, where have all my organs gone?"
Her response: "It's like a trainwreck in there."

Awesome.

Come out, come out where ever you are Baby D (name hint). Yer mama's insides are all nasty-like and would like to have their old room back.

I went into the woods

2008-11-26T16:37:00.003-05:00

And nothing happened even after I climbed this rock! Oh well.

Take a sec and go give Sara some support. Brynn has lost some weight and has jaundice.

Still nothing

2008-11-26T09:02:00.003-05:00

The glee of potentially going into labor is wearing thin. I had no action last night at all. The dood is pretty cramped in there, so movement is minimal. Which, of course, I freak out about. Poking and proding the poor kid till I get some kickback. He always complies.

Need to find some active ways to entertain myself... Xmas shopping perhaps? I do have to make the stuffing for tomorrow. And I am fixing to get out and take a few walks. But maybe I should hop on the train and go downtown a while? Dunno. Really, I have graphics work and prep for the spring semester to do - but I just can't seem to get motivated. I also have an afghan to finish knitting. I could clean the house... some more.

DH is going to see a rock band play tonight. I could go to that? But the chance of scoring a chair to sit in are slim... Perhaps that is a good thing....

Oh, I know!! Have DH take me for a walk in the woods later today!!! Perfect.

These woods:

The night I almost went into labor

2008-11-25T07:34:00.002-05:00

Unbelievable. Really.

Yesterday's appointment went well. My cervix has made some progress. I am a solid 3 cm, 90% effaced and the baby is at -1 station. OB joked that maybe he would see me on Thanksgiving:)

Then last night the contractions started. Stronger than usual, although not coming at any regular intervals. I sacked out on the couch watching the Anti.ques Ro.ad Sh.ow. I was occasionally woken by one. I got off the couch and went to bed.

Then, about 1 am it started. Strong ass contractions with a monster backache. I tracked them while DH slept for about an hour. 8 minutes apart.... then 6 minutes... finally 5 minutes... My back was killing me so I stretched out using the birthing ball.

Then the buggers stopped. Completely. No more contractions for me. And I fell back to sleep.

2 hours of hard work and it was all stopped by what I now call the "anti-birthing ball." Dumbass thing. Should have just laid in bed and took the backache:(

BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
We really thought this was the start...

Show and Tell - Nov. 23, 2008

2008-11-23T09:28:00.004-05:00

For Show and Tell this week, more before and after home renovations.

I have become a "plaster master" after having patched and skim coated every room in our old row house. It is actually work that I love. Well, not the sanding. I like the skimming. Here is our living room, which recently became the office. It looks a mess as the office. But as the living room the couch is right by the front door and we do not have a vestibule - so every time you open the door the poor fool napping on the couch gets a blast of cold air. Why I am writing this mundane crap? Who knows.... Here is the "in progress" and after pics of the mantle...

BIRTH WATCH REPORT:
I have not given birth... obviously. Having lots of contractions at night, enough to wake me up. Hoping they are productive. I have a 3pm appointment on Monday. Keep your fingers crossed for a very ripe cervix... Perhaps ripe enough to get me admitted. Yeah right.

4x4x4 tag

2008-11-23T08:50:00.003-05:00

My girl Susanna tagged me...

1) Choose the 4th picture folder on my computer
2) Choose the 4th picture
3) Explain the picture
4) Tag 4 other people

Here is the 4th pic in the 4th folder:
This is a relic from grad school. I was working on a project where I would collect lost knitted items, unravel them and knit them to the place where I found them. This is one I never re-knitted.

This image below gives you a better idea of how the project worked. Basically, the mitten / hat was embedded in the site, only to be removed with a scissor.
Now I have to tag 4 of you:)
G tagged me a few weeks ago and I never followed through... So I probably should not tag her. But I will anyhow...
And the rest of you....
Jenn
Sacred and Scarred
and Heather M

Center of gravity

2008-11-20T10:43:00.003-05:00

I have been warned. I didn't believe it. Until it happened to me. Yesterday.

I was walking down the sidewalk in a very hipster neighborhood having just bought a birthday present for DH. My stupid Da.nsko clog, which I have no business even wearing whilst pregnant, caught a little piece of uneven sidewalk.... And down I went.

I fell over. Just like that. On the sidewalk. Mostly on my knee and hand. Some dude from about 20 feet away yells, "you ok?" I nod. My instinct was to get up as fast as I could and run away - not even looking around to see who witnessed the incident. Then I realized I couldn't do anything very fast - let alone get up. So I hiked up my pant leg and inspected my bloody knee. I felt a little shook. I got over my embarrassment and just hung out sitting on the sidewalk in a daze.

Finally a bearded hipster (as so many of them are these days in philly) passed right by me and offered help. I let him use all his scrawny hipster strength to hoist my 155 pound body off the gravel.

Here is evidence of my clumsiness. And, yes. Those are ducky pajama bottoms that I still have on at 11 am. I am in the midst of a batch of lemon tea cookies. Showering will have to wait.

Advise on late OB care - borderline pre-e?

2008-11-19T11:24:00.004-05:00

So what to do? Here is what is up. OB has recommended a watch and wait game plan.

Slightly elevated BP (though not in the danger zone). This morning 124/87. It has been getting better over the last 3 days.
Trace of protein found in urine on Monday.
Rapid weight gain (9lbs in 2 weeks) - remember I had a lot of trouble gaining weight through bedrest, so this could be me just "catching up" now that I am up and about in the world?
No visible signs of swelling in face, feet or hands.
Sensation of swelling in the hands. Pain in hands through the night.
Passed a 24 hour urine collection and BW for preeclampia last week with no troubles.

Should I be concerned about the trace protein? Should I request to come in tomorrow to just check urine and BP again? Can it wait till scheduled Monday appointment?

I was really hoping for some serious calm and non-worry time here at the end... But I guess that would be too much to ask. I am not super concerned, since I seem to be hanging out just inside the safe zone. What do you think?

The size of this also may explain some of the weight gain...

Bulge bag, bulge!

2008-11-18T09:33:00.002-05:00

Saw my OB yesterday. My stats (2.5-3cm, 80% eff.) remain unchanged with the exception that my bag of waters is bulging. I had a 2 hour run of contractions last night. They were irregular, coming about 5-10 minutes apart. DH and I went out for a walk hoping that might help things along. Instead, they stopped. Ugh.

My blood pressure seems to have dropped a bit, down to "normal" again, which is great (about 130/85). But I did have a trace of protein in my urine yesterday - which, of course, gives my something to worry about. I am also having a lot of pain while I sleep due to carpal tunnel. My hands are just asleep and aching like crazy. Last, I gained another 5 lbs!!! That is 9 lbs in 2 weeks. And although I am glad to be finally "catching up" I am concerned about this rapid weight gain. I know it can be an indication of water weight, related to preeclampsia. I don't appear swelled - not in my hands, feet or face. I feel swollen in my hands, but they look fine.

Anyhow, I never know when to get really upset. I think I will request to come in again this week for a second urine check...

So there it is. A boring update post.

Sir... Your room is ready. You may arrive now.

2008-11-17T10:06:00.002-05:00

Next up... Birth.
OB appointment this afternoon. Please god, let me have made some serious changes to my cervix. I am looking forward to non-pregnant thanksgiving meal.

My mom surprised me with this little blanket that she made. I love it. She also made the sweater.

Freedom has thrown me off the map.

2008-11-14T07:39:00.002-05:00

In the last few days I have slowly gotten to re-enter the world. I have had numerous walks around my neighborhood to enjoy the crisp air and the smell of fallen leaves (and car exhaust.) I've been to the grocery, cooked meals and cleaned a bit. I've also been forced to nap - something I managed to avoid throughout my tenure on bedrest. Anyhow, with all of these distraction, I have been unable to focus much on writing, despite having a lot on my mind.

Last week we had some friends over who have a 5 month old. The baby was conceived two weeks after our last lost pregnancy. It is still hard to see them. But even worse is that because they have given birth they seem to think they wrote the book on it. I have had some great conversations with women about their birth experiences. And generally, hearing these stories are helpful to me - preparing me for what can happen and how I may respond in certain circumstances. But there is always that couple, those people, who underlying their story, are clearly advising - or even promoting an agenda. It feels like less of a conversation, more like instruction. And frankly, it really pissed me off.

What people like this can not possibly understand is that when you have been through losses, surgeries, hospitalization, bedrest, and being heavily medicated in an attempt to stay pregnant, that you can only realistically have limited expectations about what birth may look like for you. I don't have the luxury to dream about a fancy, unmedicated, birthing center delivery with only a midwife and a hot tub. My body is a wreck at this and since I am not a total idiot, I realize that there is some likelyhood that I will need the support of a more sophisticated environment - namely, one with ability to cut me open and steal my baby from my belly it things get dicey. I can not trust my body to do what I have been told over and over and over is its "natural" inclination. Because it has failed to follow that path at every turn. I need to know that our baby will be safe. I don't care if in the process I become a statistic on unnecessary c-sections. I am far from being resigned to having a section - but I won't deny it either. For us, birth is basic: baby is here, baby is healthy. End of story.

With that said, the same friends were kind enough to hand us the number of an organization of doulas who provides free services to folks like us: kinda poor. Although we often fall into that grey economic area, not poor enough to qualify for assistance but make too little to afford such services, this organization doesn't do formal economic checks. Anyhow, we have yet to find out if there is a doula who would kindly give her time to us. Having a doula for me does not mean I will push too hard for an unmedicated birth, but rather that there will be another set of eyes and ears in the room to help us through the process, helping to make informed decisions about our care and giving recommendations. I hope it works out.

LIBERATION

2008-11-11T08:16:00.001-05:00

I screamed it in the car as we pulled out of the doctor's office, "I'm free." Free from the side effects of tocolytic drugs. Free from the confines of my bed, my room, my second floor, my house. At 36 weeks and 3 days I have been released to be a "normal" pregnant lady for the few weeks that may remain before I give birth.

Unfortunately, nearly 16 weeks of inactivity have left my body in a state that resembles jello. My muscled are weak. My back aches if I even sit up for too long. I am trying to take it slow. Stretching. Alternating time on my feet with time resting. I even have to lay down every now and then.

But last night, I prepared dinner for the first time in months. It was so lovely to feel like I contributed to the family cause in some way other than being an incubator. Today I am preparing curried acorn squash soup. In the fall months, I am a soup making junkie... And this is my first go for this season. Cooking is so glorious. I forgot how much I love it.

My brother and mom are coming for the day. My mom will be helping with the usual: laundry, housework and the like. My brother will be finishing the semigloss in the baby's room - which will finish the interior. By tonight, the dresser should be in and that will allow me to fill it full of baby clothes. It is a first step towards really being ready for the boy to come. I'll post more pics as I can. I hope the remainder of the furniture may arrive this weekend.

My OB jokes that he thinks I will go past term. I am hoping that I go into labor before thanksgiving. I am 2.5-3 cm dilated and 80% effaced. So I have a head start. We'll see. A little less that 24 hours off of the meds and I can not say I feel any different. I am not having a lot of contractions. Some cramps through the night. But that is it. I am scheduled to go back to work in mid-January, so going past due started to present a very real problem. Oh, the irony!!!

Michelle O.

2008-11-10T16:46:00.003-05:00

Can I just say that the dress that Michelle O.bama wore to the white house today was beautiful. She makes Mrs. Bush look like a sack of potatoes. I don't intend to demean Mrs. O in any way. I know she is a woman of great accomplishments in her own right. But... I wish I had that dress. And looked like that in it! The red, the draping at the neck, the curves!

This is kind of lame to post about. But I was struck.

Paint and Pee

2008-11-08T19:50:00.003-05:00

Busy weekend here.

PAINT... FINALLY! The colored paint goes up in the baby's new room. A room who's walls, a few short weeks ago, did not even exist. DH has worked his butt off, but it has been slow going. So the paint is a big deal.
PEE..... I am doing a 24 hour urine collection since my blood pressure has been elevated. OB is looking of protein in the pee, a sign of Preeclampsia. I have no other symptoms. I am feeling confident that the tests will come back clear.

Made it to 36 weeks. Last weeks appointment stats: 2-2.5 dilated, 80% effaced and -2 station. I will ask to be released from my meds at Monday's OB appointment, even though I will be 4 days shy of 37. While my cervix was once an open door for a tiny babe, I fear now it is becoming an iron gate for a full term infant with a colossal mellon-head. I am ready to be done with this chapter and move on to the next.

My dear Sara gave birth to her daughter Brynn in the wee hours of this morning. I am so happy for her. Not only did she get to meet her daughter today, but she gets to begin her recovery from what I believe may have been one of the craziest pregnancies on record. Eat girl, eat!!!

Here is the room...

Love, bigtime

2008-11-06T12:15:00.001-05:00

Missing post on election day.

2008-11-05T09:04:00.003-05:00

It was election day. I didn't post.
I just waited around all day for the polls to start to close.
And checked my blood pressure over and over. I am on the edge of hypertension and getting nervous.

As for the election.
I am pleased. No, I am elated.
Pleased that I live in a country now capable of electing an African American to the highest office.
Pleased that his opponents concession speech was so thoughtful, honest and hopeful.
I don't know what the next 4 years will bring, but we took a chance.
And I for that I am so thrilled.

Hey little boy.
You are arriving into a world different than the one your papa and I have known. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I am a space man, fer real + NaBloPoMo

2008-11-03T11:14:00.003-05:00

As a set up for complete failure, I have decided to join NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month.) This could get really dull, except for the part where I give birth... hopefully.

Commence blogging:
Now that my bedrest is winding down, I am starting to get very preoccupied with what life after bedrest will be. My impulse is that I will jump up, get dressed, have a beautiful brunch at my favorite restaurant and then walk clear across the city, reminding myself of everything that I have been missing for the last 13 weeks. But then I go downstairs to make a cup of tea and get winded on the steps. I have forgotten about the very real fact that I will have to recover from this extended period of rest. My body has been deteriorating day by day and recovery will be compounded the physical strain of birth - vaginal or section.

So how do you start slow when all you want to do is get up and run like hell? I think yesterday was a good start. I startred coming to the realization that just because I have been battling preterm labor for months now, I might not necessarily deliver early. So I have begun to make small steps to get up. I have been sitting up more, taking a little more time to tidy my room and am going downstairs more often to eat or make tea.

Last evening, I went downstairs to troll for a snack and became so saddened by the state of my house. Seems it is not just my body and mental state that have been deteriorating around me, but my actual, physical home. Although my mom's have been doing a great job to care for me and my kitchen in my absence, there is a kind of "lived in" quality and smell missing from the entire downstairs. The furniture is in its place, a blanket tossed casually over the back of the couch, but it just feels so cold and empty. There are no residual scents lingering from last nights culinary experiments, there are no socks tossed sloppily on the floor and there are cobbwebs (gasp) clinging to the leg of the couch. Everything feels so still, so dormant.

As I walked into the kitchen I started noticing little things. First off, while tidy, it is dirty. I love a monthly deep cleaning - scrub the stove top, wipe all the counters, clean around the faucet and backsplash. Well, that just isn't getting done. The saddest part was my dirty spice wrack. Upon closer inspection, my spices had accumulated a thick coating of sticky dirt and grime. I thought I was going to cry. It just spoke to the sheer inactivity of the kitchen, the center of the house, the warmth, the nourishment... Ugh. What kind of a mom doesn't have a warm and inviting kitchen (um, is that a terrible thing to say for the less culinary inclined)? I realize that not every home revolves around the kitchen. But in my world, a busy kitchen makes for a home that feels alive. And right now, my house feels dead.

So I cleaned the spice rack, wiped the counters and scrubbed the sink a bit - although the proper supplies were under the bathroom sink. So this morning I woke up, grabbed the ajax from under the sink and scrub like hell while my morning tea water comes to a boil. I am ready to start the process of standing, or walking, of being in my whole home again. I see the doctor this afternoon and plan to tell him that I am beginning to get up - not asking, telling. But I feel the time is right, and if I don't start now my recovery will be so cumbersome, I am not sure how I will get through it.
___________________

So how am I a Space Man?
Well, I found this article that compares the effects of bedrest to the effects of weightlessness. Astronauts suffer similar kinds of muscle atrophy, but also suffer from similar mental issues - namely isolation. If only my adventures in bed were nearly as interesting as viewing the earth from outerspace.

Here is me, at 35 weeks and 3 days as an Astronaut.

Show and Tell - Nov. 2, 2008 + the story

2008-11-02T07:30:00.007-05:00

When it rains it pours.
I have disclosed this before, but here are a few glimpses (look to the right back.)
I have a tattoo of the M.orton's S.alt G.irl on my back.
Yes, because I am kinda salty.
(two of the pics are from my wedding)

UPDATED with non-story story:
Two commenters have asked for the "story" behind the tattoo. I didn't write one because there really isn't one. I am an artist. I love old commercial graphics. This image in particular always resonated with me. And I am really kind of a salty lady. I wanted something that would represent well as a line drawing, without any color. Thought about the coppertone girl too. But Susy Morton is so sweet. How could I resist?

DH ws supposed to go with me and get his own at the same time. Didn't happen. Now he wants to get one after the boy arrives to mark the event. I may get another too?? Who knows.

Join in the fun at Mel's Show and Tell....

I went into the world!

2008-10-31T12:01:00.003-04:00

To celebrate my 35 week milestone I got dressed and went with DH to our local coffee shop to have tea and a bagel. It felt really nice. The photo below is funny. I can still zip up my rattiest, most favorite sweatshirt... And I don't even look pregnant. I give up. People will think I stole this baby once he gets here!

While enjoying my tea, out in the world, I was reading the local weekly paper in which there was an article featuring my neighborhood. Articles about my hood are never glowing. There are some scary people who live here. And some great people too. Anyhow, basically it is about rac.ist folks in my hood, who despite their faulty thinking, are still voting Oba.ma. Paradoxical really. Read here..

What you are to me.

2008-10-30T19:50:00.007-04:00

Feeling sappy, and thankful, and grateful for everything I have on this day. Despite having a hard week on the relationship-front, I have a rockin' husband who I love like crazy. I also have a Mom and MIL, each of whom would do anything for me to help me through this. I have a handful of fervent supports who I have never met, but who are my welcomed and daily distraction as I chit chat with them online and read their blogs. I also have a one really awesome real world friend who I can still relate to. Our situations with pregnancy have been very different, but difficult and stressful in their own ways. She is the one real world friend, through all of this, that I could talk to honestly, who I could tell anything, and I knew she would understand. This same friend, Susanna, has finally dove into the world of blogging. Her blog is about her experience with an emergency, life-threatening birth, a preemie in the NICU and her experience as a lesbian mom. Go check it out cuz she rocks my world: I find myself a mother

What I am most thankful for is that I appear to be 35 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. One that I suspect I will soon hold in my arms. I can't believe I have made it this far. The house is a flurry with scurrying mothers and husbands desperate to finish the baby's room. Its current state: sanded plaster, craft paper on the floor and no trim. But DH got an unexpected day off tomorrow with the world series parade going right past the entrance to his building. I knew I liked baseball for something. So I am hoping this weekend is productive, perhaps even enough to get colored paint on the walls. After that, the dresser can go in and we can weed through the piles and piles of beautiful hand-me-downs we have received. I will post pics as soon as there is something worth posting.

In the meantime a few things for the boy...

Some winter hats I knitted...

What he'll wear home from the hospital...

Diaper covers my mother is making...

The most excitement I have had in weeks

2008-10-28T11:16:00.002-04:00

At my mom's for a few days.
Who knew I would get treated to this?
I love the cold.
I love the snow.
I am in heaven.
(Sorry World Series fans... Will they try to play in this tonight? Doubtful.)

Show and Tell - Oct. 26, 2008

2008-10-26T08:41:00.002-04:00

On this same day last year, in the early morning, I was sharing a cup of coffee with a dear friend. It was a really windy morning, with the sun just coming up. We were in Montreal.

It was right after my second loss and right before my surgery to remove my septum. It was the last weekend I had where my mind was clear. I was beautifully distracted by the weekends activities, the company of friends and family, and the lure of a gorgeous city.

I hope I can get back there some day. To a place where I feel like myself again.

On the verge - physically and emotionally

2008-10-23T17:02:00.004-04:00

I hope I am wrong. I hope I am such an amateur, that I am wrong. But every day, since Monday, I have a 2 hour run of contractions, usually in the early evening. Each day the run gets worse, stronger, and a new symptoms pile on. Backache, cramping, pressure. I can clock as many as 6 contractions an hour, but have learned that it tends to subside, so I have been riding it out. But I suspect that each of these 2 hours runs are productive for my cervix. Perhaps bringing me closer to labor.

Today I am contracting all day, with not a lot of breaks. Still not enough to call the doctor, with no Major pain, no leaking of fluid, no bleeding. But it has been all... freaking.... day...... I stopped writing them down an hour ago. Because I just need a break.

Minding contractions all day, coming nearly every 15 minutes, is draining. There is no space in your head for anything else. Today marks 10 official weeks on bedrest. 13 weeks if you include the three weeks I took myself down on couch arrest prior to finding good care. I am whooped. Over it. I spend half the day googling things like "34 week birth story" and "NICU 34 weeks" in some attempt to find clues as to what may be in store for us and the roomie if he comes early. I am scared of birth. I am scared of the NICU. I am a big freaking wuss.

I was making some gains last week: cutting back on my meds and spending more time sitting up. But now I have lost all of that. My dose is back up and my OB wants me back on my side as much as I can. He (OB) is on vacation next week. And if his life is anything like most people, a lot of his patients will deliver. I could be one.

I am fortunate for where I am.
I am at home.
I am still pregnant.
I can eat, shower, boss DH around and fuss online.
I can hang with my kitties, instead of an army of well meaning nurses.
I have it good, as far as bedrest hell goes.
But I am still pooped. So bored I could chew off my own arm. So scared I am like a deer in headlights.

I know my pal Sara is in a similar mental state and I feel for her. She is just tired. Frankly, she has it a lot worse. She has been down longer, with more intervention and has sacrificed so much more to grow her little "Spot." She is my hero because every time I get an email from her, or a text - she is shockingly upbeat. I didn't get the optimism gene - but she did.

Bedrest is exhausting. In fact, I am not sure about that name at all. Because, restful, it is not. And not one women, not me or Sara or anyone, should feel bad for having a day like today. A day when you just want to throw in the towel. Fortunately, my cervix knows nothing of the towel. I am just a slave to whatever it decided to do and when.

an ounce shy of 5, 7.5 cm shy of 10

2008-10-21T10:53:00.003-04:00

First, one of my bestest virtual friends is being drug through the wringer. Let G at "Makes you stronger" know your thinking about her. And my "gestational twin," Sara is one the cusp of delivery. Wish her her luck!!

Had a scan yesterday. The roomie is 4 lbs 15 ounces- and ounce shy of 5 pounds. Cool. Except... The tech told us he has a big head. Who tells you that? Maybe he doesn't have a big head, but rather a small butt?

After a busy day, I got home and started contracting a lot. Off to triage we went. By the time we got there my contractions had slowed. I cried wolf. Digital exam showed I am now 2.5 cm dilated. Nurses seem to think I'll be back in 2 weeks to deliver. My OB does not recommend any interventions at this point. No Terb, No Mag. If I go into labor, I have the boy. I am scared shitless. I have no clue what I am doing, no clue how to recognize labor. Ummm, pain with my contractions, I suppose?? Or more than 6 an hour. Backache. Mucus plug. Water breaks?

And then, with all the excitement of yesterday I seemed to have brewed myself a good old fashion headache, that I can only hope does not decide to become a migraine. I have avoided them the whole pregnancy. Why start now?

Compounding the situation is that DH has a lot of extra meetings and appointments this week and I have less visitors than usual. My mom is usually here today, but needed to keep a dentist appointment that she has already waited over 6 months for - can't blame her. But I am, as a result, alone on a day that I am both a little freaked out and not feeling so tip-top.

Weekend work on the house was great, but not as much as we hoped for. Two new windows so our offspring does not get cold whilst he slumbers. Plastering is done, but not sanded. So my brother comes back next week to sand and hopefully paint.

Two weeks? Really? we are so not ready. Room not done, no furniture, no diapers, no boob pump.. Lots of clothes but nowhere to put them? Drat!

Well, on a bright note, my "condition" has had one very positive effect: It got me out of jury duty. Bedrest has to good for something other than cooking babies, no?

When oh so boring is oh so good

2008-10-16T12:10:00.002-04:00

Just got home from the OB. Belly measuring a tad small, which comes as no big shock, but I did gain 5 pounds since my last visit! YEAH!!! I am scheduled for a growth scan on Monday just to make sure the roomie is keeping up with the pack.

Tomorrow marks the 33rd week mark. There is something about 33. In between 32 and 34, which somehow seems kind of dull. I am just so excited to get to 34.... I'd rather skip 33 completely.

My OB has asked me to just use my best judgment with by my dosage of Pro.card.ia and with my own movement about the house. I have been experiencing stronger side effects lately, so I am going to drop back to every 6 hours. But he told me to go ahead and bump it up if I feel the need. He also encouraged me to use my own judgment with things like sitting up in bed, moving about the house, etc. I have been a really hard*ss about bedrest - staying down on my side as much as possible. But I am starting to sit up more. We also got a little mini fridge for upstairs, so now I can get my own snacks and stuff. Those little bits of independence are doing my mental state well.

That is really all from my end. Wanted to give a little shout out to my "gestational twin" Sara. She hit another rough patch this week with an uptick in contractions and landed he butt in L&D. Things continue to be stable on the mag - but I am really hoping she catches a break from it soon. Go say hello and wish her well.

Show and Tell - Oct 12, 2008

2008-10-12T12:32:00.003-04:00

It has been an especially trying few days. I am very short on patience, and have not been very kind to my care takers. DH is suffering from my bad attitude and I have been failing to show my mom the kind of gratitude she deserves for, well.... treating me like a princess. I know I am lucky, I am lucky for every day longer that I stay pregnant and for all of the support I have gotten from friends and family. But some days, the walls of my house just feel like they are closing in around me.

So this weeks show and tell is for something that arrived to me from far away from some dear friends: A care package full of yummy snacks, but even better, a handmade bib for the roomie that I LOVE! Thanks S + A! Love you!!!

The things you forget...

2008-10-09T10:07:00.003-04:00

I'm having a rough week. Exhausted with bedrest and frustrated with having to rely on DH for everything. Surely he is also sick of having to attend to my every need. Under normal circumstances, the division of labor in our home is quite equal - so this is all new.

He reminded me how good I have it today by bringing part of our past back to life. It is a song we wrote and recorded to distribute at our wedding. It is the story of how we met. Two summers after we wrote the song,we dreamed about reviving our "band" while we were living in Berlin for 4 months. We named the band after our favorite German beer: Bergadler. It means mountain eagle.

Anyhow, you can listen to our one hit her on the my.space page he made: http://www.myspace.com/bergadler

I am off to my folks for a few days in an attempt to calm my nerves. The blue walls of my room are closing in around me. I am bored, and a little angry. It'll be nice to be at the farm, see my nieces and nephews and have my own person chef (mom.) She spoils me something terrible.

"You don't look that pregnant" Ummmmm, F off.

2008-10-07T09:48:00.002-04:00

I swear, if one more person tells me how small I am, how petite I am, that they can't believe I am that far along, or that I don't look that pregnant, I am going to scream!

I am a person of average build. As for the women in my family, I am by far the biggest, so perceiving myself as small is impossible. I have had all kinds of trouble with this pregnancy. Bleeding, barfing to the point of dehydration, food aversions, shortened cervix, preterm labor since 20 weeks and YES!!!! trouble gaining wait. Fact is, bedrest is hard. And the last thing I want to do is lay in bed stuffing my pie-hole with high calorie junk food. I already feel like crap. All I really want to eat is things that are fresh and good for me - because I feel shitty enough. That is me, that is my body's reaction to this situation. I have tried every supplement offered. They all give me the runs - which I assure you will do nothing to help me gain more weight.

So there is is. Failure after failure, I finally get pregnant and get far enough along to have a live baby. And all people seem to want to do is remind me of my physical inadequacies by blathering on about how NOT pregnant I look. Well you know what you a-holes.... Freaking keep it to yourself. Fact is, people carry differently. The baby is right on target despite my shrinking bootie. And I don't have the benefit of gravity. I spend my whole day laying down, not walking, sitting at a desk or registering for a baby shower. There is little chance for the effects of gravity to help me along with the stretching. It just is what it is, and my body behaves as it pleases. Do you think I want to be this "tiny?"

Dang... Where did that come from?

All is well otherwise. I made it to my friends wedding on Saturday for a little over an hour and a half before the procardia dose started to make me jittery and short of breath - at which point we took off. It was such a joy to be able to go. I would have been so disappointed to have missed it all together. My girlfriend looked so freaking awesome.

The roomies room was built a few weeks ago, I have just been a slacker about taking pics. But I finally posted a bunch to my flickr, so I'll link em here. It still needs more spackle, trim, windows and paint - but it is there. So that is good.

End update. End rage. I am pregnant. Despite how I look to any number of dillholes. Not only that I am pushing 32 weeks. Whoot, whoot!!

Me at the wedding looking not THAT pregnant.

The roomie's room from the outside.

A video of the roomie freaking out. His new thing.

Show and Tell - Oct 5, 2008

2008-10-05T10:35:00.005-04:00

I grew up in a house where using your hands was always very important. My father was an artist and my brother and I followed that path. My mother is an artist is her own right, as a seamstress and lover of all things fiber. She sews, knits, spins and raises sheep for her wool. So I thought I would share some of my handcrafts. I used to try to sell stuff, but I lack business skills. Plus, this work is very labor intensive and you can rarely make a good wage making it. I do it because I enjoy it.

Below:
Wool felted brooches, hand dyed with cool-aid. And a purse - I think I have a ton of these left in a shop somewhere, but I can't remember:)

Turning a corner, spinning the wheel.

2008-10-03T09:22:00.003-04:00

Today, we made it to 31 weeks. It is that liminal space between milestone weeks of 30 and 32. As per the usual, I have my good days and bad - both emotionally and physically. Some days my contractions will seem relentless, not frequent enough to go to the doctor, but frequent enough that I can concentrate on nothing else. Other days they are light, perhaps only 2 an hour. On those days, I can relax, perhaps even get something done.

I saw my OB yesterday. We hardly know each other. He was the only doctor willing to pick me up mid pregnancy and high risk after I had to leave the incompetent practice I was seeing prior to hospitalization. For that act alone, he is kinda my hero. But he is casual and lax compared to my style. But he is also encouraging and really hopeful. He was so excited to see me come in this week unchanged from two weeks ago - and so please that I have made it this far. And although sometimes I wish he would recommend closer monitoring, I know we are doing everything we should right now. I also know that I will very much appreciate his style in the delivery room. He is the kind of person who can put you at ease with his very presence.

Flip.
Two nights ago my little friend seems to have finally got his little butt in gear and turned. Kicks that normally irritate my cervix now bop me near the ribs. The doctor confirmed that he though he had turned head down, although he still seems flexible to move around - so I am yet to be convinced he will stay put.

Spin.
I have a huge stack of handspun wool from my mother. Not only is it handspun, but it is from the sheep she and my dad keep on their little wacky farm. I have been starring at it for three days trying to find the motivation to start making an afghan for my very, very, very dear friends wedding present. She is getting married on Saturday and my doctor strongly encouraged me to attend - and to have a sip of wine! We are going to make an appearance at the reception - and I will stay as long as I feel safe. The real issue is figuring out what to wear, and possibly, how to shave my legs...

Outcomes for preemies

2008-09-29T09:48:00.003-04:00

I am always scanning for stats on outcomes for preemies. They are actually hard to find in a digestible form - not a wordy medical study. I think this chart is pretty helpful for those of you who may be facing premature birth. Or perhaps I just like it because it concludes that the roomie would have a solid shot at his current gestation...

Anyhow.
Outcomes for Premature Infants by Gestation (click here)

I know. I am a little post-happy lately.
What can I do.

Roomie is still head up and beating the hell out of my cervix. I swear sometimes it feels like he is punching his way out. Is there a danger in this when you have virtually no cervical length and are 1 cm dilated? I tried this morning a few suggested methods to flip the bugger. Lay on an incline, have dh talk to him down low, flashlight. It was pretty silly. And of course, did not work... I know he has time to flip, but I really want him away from my cervix. I have enough trouble down there without his help...

Show and Tell - Sept. 28, 2008

2008-09-28T08:57:00.002-04:00

This is an image of DH and I right after we closed on our house. The place was a wreck, slathered from top to bottom with any combination of wood paneling, wallpaper, mint green paint and fake stone finishes. Underneath all of that we have uncovered plaster walls and beautiful inlaid hardwood floors.

Buying our house was step one in building a family. On the day we signed those papers, we knew finishing the house meant we could start trying for a family. We were so clueless. We had no idea how hard the renovations would be - both to the house and my faulty parts. That was almost three years ago.

Weekend update

2008-09-27T18:17:00.006-04:00

Pattern for diaper covers

Cream Chipped Beef (my mom is the master of meals that fit into the "white trash" variety. Yummmm.

Chocolate cake.Life is dull. But i suppose dull is good:)

Crowded house

2008-09-25T22:09:00.002-04:00

Post terb, I am at my mom's house. My sisters kids sleep here onthursdays, so i knew it would be a little rowdy. But then my SIL dropped off my other nephew. It got more crazy. Then my brothers whole family decided to stay over because it will be stormy tonight and they live way back in the woods and all have a bizarre fear of falling trees. So in an attempt to find some calm (and a TV) I landed in my moms room... only to get kicked out at 9:30 by 2 of the mere 10 freaking people who are camped out in this house.

Under normal circumstances I suppose I would not care. But tonight was a night I have been looking foward to for a while. The 2 hour premiere of a show I am embarred to say I love... but I do. And in a house that normally has a TV in every room, there are only 3 now, each of them in a room with a sleeping kid. My sister stole the majority of tv's and mattresses when she left three months ago. So in the end, I'll blame her.

Because I am a selfish bedrest biatch who had a rough freaking day.

T, T, Letter T, What begins with T?

2008-09-25T14:09:00.002-04:00

Trouble (contractions upticked last night after dinner)
Triage (as in prenatal, where I landed my ass this morning)
Terbutiline (the shake-bomb that seems to flat-line my contractions in no time)

Released already. Starting to contract already. A little.

Had a positive fFN test. I know a positive is not a "true predictor" but I am still freaked. Was really hoping to skip the NICU all together.

Ever had a positive fFN and still carry for another 7 weeks? Is that possible?

Bedrest and childbirth education

2008-09-24T17:54:00.002-04:00

Quick question:
For those of you who survived bedrest and still had the option of a vaginal birth, how did you educate yourself about the birth process? Books? Videos? Did you eventually attend a class?

I would love to think a vaginal birth is still in the cards for me... But I am a first-timer... and clueless.

Everything is Misc.

2008-09-24T17:17:00.006-04:00

A stack of growing greens hemp diapers I found on crai.gslis.t. All clean and ready to be pooped on...
The ceiling fan that is part of my perpetual peripheral view.
New stroller. New car seat. Newly refinished floors covered with paper. A stack of lumber that will, this saturday, become the roomie's room.
Snack-time when the apples ran out. An awesome friend from grad school is sending 8 pounds of heirloom apples from the midwest via DHL! They should be here tomorrow. Just hope I will be here to get them. My mom is picking me up to take me back to the farm for the weekend so I am out of the boys hair while they build the room...
Having an easier go at it. I seem to have 3 day ups and downs. I am on an up right now. Hoping I can hold on to it. Friday will be sweet. The "cheaters" 30 week mark. Some of my docs turn me on friday, othrs on staurday. But I use friday cuz it makes me feel good.

When sanity eludes me.

2008-09-22T14:34:00.006-04:00

I know.
I should thank my lucky stars.
I should bow down to the powers that be and express only gratitude to be who I am, where I am, and to still be pregnant.
But I am coming close to the edge, that line between sane me and bat-shit me.
Bedrest is hard.
It is harder than I ever thought it would be.
I am exhausted but not tired.
I am ready to run, but can't.
I try to talk about it, but no one seems to be able to get it. (except for Sara, my gestational twin)
It is a lonely place to be. A lot like miscarriage land, where everyone kind of looks at you like you have the plague.
The world is waiting for me to tip over. And somedays I get really close.

I am grateful for everyday I stay pregnant.
But that doesn't mean that i don't wonder what would happen if I got out of bed and enjoyed a walk in the fall air.
I am grateful that the roomie is growing stronger.
But that doesn't mean that I don't resent having to eat while laying down.
I am grateful that the meds are working well enough to keep the contractions under control.
But that doesn't mean that I don't feel robbed, yet again, of a "normal" and joyful experience with reproduction.

I know becoming a parent means sacrifice. I have always known that.
And I have always feared how much of me might be lost in the process.
I just never dreamed I would experience this so far in advance of even having a child.
It has been a year and a half of losses, surgeries, upsets, scares and even more bodily failures than I could ever imagine.
It has taken my spunk, my soul, my creativity, my intellectual capacity and more to survive.
I don't know what t is like to enjoy pregnancy.
I don't know what it is like to anticipate the birth of my son.
Instead, my energy is focused on keeping him in, not birthing him.
I am focused on staying pregnant, not being pregnant.

It has only been in the last week that I have allowed preparations to begin. Our families purchased a stroller and car seat. I registered for cloth diapers. We went through 3 huge bags of hand-me-downs from my nephew. And the room for the roomie is being built this weekend.

Those are all good things. But all I can focus on is the mental and physical anguish of laying here day after day. I have the capacity for nothing. I am tired of knitting. Tired of TV. Tired of counting contractions. Tired of eating in bed. Tired of dreading bedtime. Tired of asking for help. Tired of perpetual bedhead. Just tired.

8 weeks till 37.
I will make it as far as I can. Because the alternative, what would happen if I "gave up," is heart breaking. But I feel like I always read about these amazing women, who stay on bedrest for months and months. Where are their complaints? Why do I feel like I am the only one who is at the brink?

There are some bright spots:
1. Haircut... I am thankful to have this time to grow out my short hair. Might as well go through it while also having perpetual bedhead.

2. An expanding waistline. (Scar from bellybutton ring)

3. Fall - I love fall for the temperature, the smell, the light - but most of all for the apples.

Home sweet home

2008-09-15T10:55:00.003-04:00

I am so grateful to be at home finally. I don't know what it is... the loss of the toco, that canyon of a hospital bed, the constant taking of vitals, or the icky food - but I feel so much better here at home. I am having considerably fewer contractions, unless of course, I am just not noticing them. My hips are sore at night from the switch back to our bed, but I think I found the right pillow combo last night. The only problem is that at night, I am getting dizzy and winded from the meds. My mom and I were figuring that I am more relaxed at home, dropping my blood pressure even further. Needless to say, it is a little upsetting to be dizzy when you are already on your side. I know there is some risk if my BP really bails, so I hope to get some answers to solve this soon. Perhaps even spacing my meds out an extra hour. It is tricky, because I often break through with contractions right before my last dose. Double edged sword.

I see my new doctor this evening (I had to find another doc to be my primary who delivers at my new hospital and takes my insurance.) I called for an appointment this morning and spoke to the kindest of all receptionists ever. They could just squeeze me in on wednesday - which was terribly inconvenient because I have already patched together a couple friends to babysit me while DH is at work. I was a little upset to ask them to also haul me to the doctor. But a few minutes later the kindest receptionist ever called back with a cancellation for this evening!!! Awesome. So hopefully the doc can give some insight as to what I should do when I feel woosy.

DH has been pulling off some extreme patience with me. Our house has only one bath on the second floor, and since I am not allowed to take the steps but once a day, I am stuck in the bedroom. So he and my mom have been carting my meals up on a beautiful old tray that belonged to my favorite grandmother. They have also been eating up here in the bedroom with me so I don't feel left out. I feel pangs of guilt every time I ask for something, but he dutifully retrieves my every request. I do worry a smidge about meal planning in general. I wake up in the morning and often think about the day as a whole - breakfast, lunch, dinner. Does anything need to come out of the freezer? Do I need to run to the store and how does that fit into my day? DH is more of a "figure out what to cook right before you cook it" kinda guy. But I think my mom will deliver enough pre-made stuff that it should be easy enough for him. He has a lot on his plate: work, taking care of me and dealing with a minor house emergency that is brewing (our soil pipe busted and will cost in the thousands to fix... ugh). So I just want it to all be easy for him.

My Mom has me stocked with luxury foods. Quiche, homemade breads and jams, cupcakes, apple cake, mashed potatoes, fresh salad from her garden, homemade tomato sauce from the garden.... ahhhhhh. Good thing to be on bedrest in the early fall. I am reaping the benefits of the late season. Grapes, tomatoes, zucchini, peppers, basil... They only thing I wish I had, and I think they are done growing, is the string beans. Oh well. I am so spoiled. She also makes me homemade buttermilk pancakes with fresh sliced peaches. Have I got the best Mom, or what?

The roomie has been super active lately - to the point it is a little disturbing. Especially at night, when i wake up to go the the potty or take my meds. He is making getting back to sleep pretty hard. He can still pack a punch - enough that it actually makes me jump. It used to be I could put DH's hand on my belly and he would stop. But he is a fearless, near-three-pounder, who has grown accustomed to his fathers hand. Darn. But I often find and active day is followed by a quiet day, so hopefully tomorrow he will chill.

And we finally have a name. But you'll have to just wait cuz we're not telling till he is here.

BELOW: Snacktime with DH = Havarti with dill, crackers and fresh tomatoes from the garden. Lots of yarn and felting supplies tale up the rest of the bed. I am challenging myself with some more complicated knitting.

Breaking free

2008-09-13T09:07:00.004-04:00

After a digital exam at 5:56 am, I have been cleared for release from the hospital. I have been here for one month and 2 days and am 28 weeks + 1 . Horray! I will remain on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy - but at home!!! I am hopeful that I can clear 30 weeks, and can't help but look forward to 32, 34, 36 and beyond!

Life from my own bed will be much more tolerable. I will have the company of my furry companions, the comfort of my bed, and no more dealing with the constant interuptions from doctors and nurses at ungodly hours. I know they are doing their job, but sleeping has become a real task... even napping is mostly impossible. What I won't miss the most is the constant contraction monitor attached to my belly, and the near-perminent indent it leaves in my skin. I also won't miss the stress of listening to the heartbeat for 20 minute intervals, 3 times a day. I know a lot of people find this comforting, but I find it terribly stressful. Feeling him kick is good enough for me. Those moments that he goes off the monitor, or decels for even a few seconds, making me almost jump out of my skin. Goodbye TOCO, goodbye HB monitor!!!!

Then, of course, there is curling up with DH in bed. I am not much of a cuddler, but I want to just be wrapped up in him tonight. That is home.

I also had an anatomy scan yesterday. The roomie is 2 lb 14 ounces - a number I guessed, on the nose, the night before. He is in the 61st percentile. I am so proud! We'll forget he got steroids 4 weeks ago and just chalk his weight up to the one thing my body appears to be doing right. Joy!

____________

My warmest wishes to my dear pal Sara who is coming down off too many days on the mag. My hope for her is a smooth transition back on to the procardia and a chance to get back home for a few weeks.
Hang tough, girlfriend. You and Spot are rocking the 28 week house.

BELOW: TOCO (contraction monitor) & TOCO imprint. Bugger, I hate that thing.

Adventures in the wheelchair

2008-09-08T14:16:00.002-04:00

Perma-bedhead, sour-puss... Enjoying the strong winds of Tropical Storm Hanna. Breezes rock.

Bed Rest | Weight Loss

2008-09-08T09:56:00.002-04:00

I suspect this post will get a lot of grumbles, but I have a bit of a problem. I am loosing weight, not gaining. I don't really have any to loose. I even had to put my wedding band on a necklace because it won't stay on my finger. I am kind of at my wits end and don't really need one more thing to worry about.

I was weighted a month ago and was 135. I lost about 10 pounds in early pregnancy due to extreme nausea and vomiting, so I started low. Well, after a few weeks of asking, I finally harassed one of the nurses to walk me to the scale on Saturday. I am 133 pounds. That is a 2 lb loss over 4 weeks. The roomie is fine. His growth is on target and my aversion to food does not seem to be effecting him. Clearly, that is the most important thing.

So here is the deal.

I am not nauseous, I am just not hungary
I am in the hospital and hospital food sucks
My mom stocks the floor fridge for me, but sometime I don't know what is in there so I don't know to ask for it
C.arnation I.nstant B.reakfast, E.nsure and the like upset my digestion terribly, adding insult to injury. The prospect of terminal diarrhea makes food even less appealing
Laying in bed 24 hours a day makes me want to eat healthy, because I already feel like crap. I crave things like watermelon and vegetarian sushi. Not exactly weight gainers.
I just, plain don't have an appetite

So if anyone has suggestions, I am all ears. I am so tired of the nurses telling me how tiny I am, or saying things like, "I wish I weighted that much, and your 6 months pregnant..." It is not like I want this.

Otherwise, things have been eerily quiet for the past 4-5 days. My meds have been doing a stellar job holding back the contractions. I have not had to have the terb for a week!!! Horray! Rumor on the floor is I may go home at 28 weeks, which would be friday or saturday. Problem is sometimes they won't release you on the weekend because the Chief is not here. So I am going to beg like hell for friday. I think I would do better at home. I think my appetite would be better, my mood better, everything... just better.

Here is a belly pic. 27 weeks.

Week Three - Hospital Bedrest

2008-09-04T11:15:00.003-04:00

Taking a quiet morning to sit up a bit and post. I am sure my contractions will act up soon, but I have a moment of reprieve... and it is all mine...

BEDSIDE ELECTION REMINDER
I wanted to send a reminder to all you bedrest mama's out there to order your absentee ballots for the fall election. That darn election is closer than you might think... and whether you are still incubating a little one bedside, or caring for a newborn, getting to the polls might be hard this year.... There. I have done my civic duty for the year.

It was a rough week. The ups and downs of this whole experience have been so severe - ranging from complete terror to boring calm to emotionally draining. Yesterday, just looking at the hospital menu through me into tears. I am so sick of the food. Even with my mother keeping homemade goodies in the fridge, if I have to look at that nasty menu one more time I think my head is going to spin off. Quite literally. One of my lady friends is on her way over to rescue me with a vegetarian sushiroll lunch! YEAH!!!

We got through the decel episode, which appears to have been a total fluke. I dread being put on the fetal heart monitor, which is done three times a day. The nurses tend to forget they have hooked me up and I am stuck listening to the roomie flutter and beat for a half hour, rather than the prescribed 20 minutes. I have taken to removing myself if it goes to long, or telling them I need to go to the bathroom. But I suspect they see through my antics. I do have the contraction monitor on at all times, leaving a permanent indentation in my belly. I mind it less.

My doctor gave me some news yesterday that I am trying desperately not to get too excited about: seems they may release me to home bedrest at 28 week if my condition stays stable. I fear that this news could be both conjecture on the residents part, or an omen that something dreadful will surely happen in the next week and a half. But I would love, love, love to be at home, in my own bed, with DH and my kitties. I would love to hear the bustle of the neighborhood kids out for recess at the school across the street. I would love to eat "real" food." Being at home also scares the shit out of me. But I know they will make the best decision for me and the roomie. And I know I won't have to do anything I am not comfortable with.

So today closes week three in the hospital. I have heard some amazing stories from the nurses about women who have endured far more than I have on this journey. So I will just be thankful that I can still get up to go to the bathroom, that I can still take a shower, that I have so far avoided the dreaded mag sulfate. Despite how much it sucks to be here, I have it pretty good.

Well - just had a contraction, so I better get on my side and see if my ute will chill. Thanks again to all of you for your wonderful support and kind words. Waking up to a 10 new comments on a post really does a lot to brighten my day. And especially to Sara, who is my super-champ-hero-due-date twin. Reading her blog is like looking in a mirror.

Here is a picture of me and my beloved Bennie-Bo-Bo who I miss dreadfully. I keep trying to bribe DH to smuggle him into the hospital, but he won't do it:(

The Crappiest of Crappy Days

2008-09-01T21:41:00.001-04:00

(I'm dictating to DH -- I finally had to let him into my secret world.)

After breakfast they put me on 20 minutes of the heart monitor. At the very end of my session the roomie's heartbeat deceled for about 4 minutes. My room was turned upside down by an army of nurses and my favorite doctor. They put me on oxygen and place a new IV for fluids. I was warned by the doctor that if this continues that I should be prepared for emergency C-section. She told me that it would happen very fast and there would be a lot of confusion. After the decel ended I was placed on continuous monitoring and I was taken off food and drink in case I would need general anesthesia.

DH and my mom arrived quickly and things settled down for a little while. Then my contractions started up and I had to get another shot of Terb.

We're all finding the continuous monitor to be unbearably stressful, anticipating having to call for the nurse when his heartbeat decels. We had one scare after the morning, but it was short-lived. For now his heartbeat looks great despite the fact that he moves so damn much that it's impossible to keep him on.

I can deal with the contractions. I can deal with the drugs. But listening to his heartbeat go down makes me feel too out of control. It appears to have been an isolated event, that he may have just squeezed the cord himself but it looks like I'll have to be monitored for a while. Bummer.

DH is spending the night in a very uncomfortable recliner but I'm grateful for the company cuz I love him like crazy.

Biting Sara's numbers post

2008-08-29T10:29:00.003-04:00

Days on hospital bedrest - 13
Number of tests given this week that came back negative - 2 (no gestational diabetes for me!)

Number of holes on my arms from IV's, shots and blood draws in the last 4 days - 10 (ouch)
Number of times I have had a repeat nurse in 2 weeks - 4 (there must be an army of them)
Number of weeks till I breath a little easy - 2
Number of times a day the roomie goes on the monitor - 3
Number of decelerations he had this week during the monitor that almost gave me a freaking heart attack - 1
Maximum number of contractions I can have in an hour before someone rushes in with a needle for of crap that makes me feel like shit - 6
Number of times my 10 year old niece went to the salad bar while visit over a 2 day period - 4 (veg junkie)
Number of little knitted dolls I have knocked out so far - 4
Number of times a day I through a wet towel over my face while napping to fend of the procardia rush - 2 to 3
Number of totally rad ladies who have written to me with word of encouragement and stories of success - A lot, enough to make me feel some ease.

Writing this blog and participating in the MA Yahoo group has done more for my sanity than I think I can ever really even know. I haven't had the energy to follow all of you back to your blogs, so I can reciprocate the love, but I hope I can soon. Problem is I need to be on my back to type... And being on my back increases my contractions... So I'll have to focus on the one-handed side type:) I am getting better at it.

Never a dull moment

2008-08-28T08:31:00.004-04:00

I passed my 24 hour pee test with flying colors. No preeclampsia for me.

But then I failed my initial glucose screen. Not by a lot, but failed none the less. I am in the midst of the three hour test now. I guess it is possible to fail the screen and pass the 3 hour test. Keeping my fingers crossed. There is absolutely NO history of diabetes in my family, gestational or otherwise. I am baffled.

Not sure I can take too many more needles. My arms look like I am drug addict.

SIDENOTE:
DH posted a video of my favorite little man-kitties in the whole world. I miss those little jerks...

The long haul is a bumpy road.

2008-08-26T20:04:00.005-04:00

IV in the left hand has stolen my last two pleasures: knitting and typing. So please excuse typos and the brevity of my posts.

Since I last posted.
One bad evening of side effects.
Lightheaded, short of breath, numbness in feet. Thought i might be tachycardic. Gave me oxygen. Settle down.
That was Saturday, our 5 year anniversary.
20 minutes in a wheelchair on Sunday. Went outside. Forgot what a breeze felt like. It was beautiful.
This morning.
Went for u/s.
Cervix dropped from 1.9 - 1.1. Fuck.
Contractions upticked after lunch.
Shot me up with terbutaline.
Makes me feel like shit.
IV fluids along with it. Arms are so beat up they have to needle my hand.
Three days - one hand.
Changing to a day to day outlook.
Each day the roomie stays in is a victory.
Trying to start wrapping my head around the chance of preterm birth and the NICU.
Not that I am resigned to it, just that I prefer to be mildly prepared.
Although I doubt anyone is ever really prepared for that.

In our usual twin-like fashion, my pal Sara had a shot of terb today and has been admitted to the hospital. Go give her the love. We share a due date and bum ute's.

Below, more images of the day to day. Including the dolls my mom and I are knitting. They get sent to a charity in Africa tht works with kids with HI.V/A.IDS. I was finishing one a day prior to the IV. Damn.

Thursday to Thursday - Week one down

2008-08-21T21:04:00.002-04:00

It has been one week since we got a round of steroids, one week since I was admitted into the hospital, one week since DH and I did the smartest thing ever in our whole lives by leaving that horrendous hospital, those incompetent Peri's and those inattentive OB's. I can't say what the future would have been, but I shutter to think what may have happened if we had stayed.

Today was not without its trials. I guess Thursdays are just not for me. I woke up after a bad dream, of which I remember little, except the presence of a very, very small baby.

My contractions are being controlled by a medication called Pro.cardia. But for the last 48 hours I was also taking a med called Indo.cin because the Pro.cradia was not quite cutting it and my blood pressure was too low to up the dose. So they added this other drug that I could only take fro 48 hours. That meant that this morning at 6 am I was being "turned loose" again to see if the Pro.cardia alone could control my badly behaved Ute. It was not a good way to start the day.

I was also supposed to me kept company today by my father-in-law and sister-in-law in the absence of DH, who's day was filled with meetings and preparations for a floor refinish. I like my in-laws, but I find that visitors other than DH or my folks can cause my uterus to become more irritable. I was just upset about having them with me, worried I would not be comfortable, that I would have to entertain them. They are great, but no replacement for the comfort of a husband or mom.

So all this came to a teary head once compounded by a phone call from the devil itself: my insurance company. They have been fighting my doctors for a week now on progesterone shots. I was handling the call pretty well till the lady on the end of the line digressed into the same crap that the doctors at the last hospital pulled on me over and over. "Well, you have no history of preterm labor or second trimester loss. Without a history, there is no indication that you should be treated." My standard response is, " So basically you are telling me I have to loose this baby and them you'll prescribe progesterone for my next pregnancy?" They are all total politicians when responding to me, cleverly playing a game with semantics to relieve their own guilt so they can rest easy tonight. This near word for word conversation with the insurance witch was a flashback to the trauma of last week, and finally through me into a sobbing tailspin.

So imagine this. Me, strapped to the bed with a monitor and leg compression boots. Crying furiously. Running out of crappy hospital tissues and ringing the nurse for more crappy tissues. Nurse arrives stunned to find me in hysterics. She asks what it is. It takes me four tries to say the word "insurance" so that she can understand me. She gets me tissues, a cold compress and consoles me by agreeing with how evil insurance is. Cancel the visit from SIL & FIL. Turn on the "mom-signal." Everything calms down as I catch my breath and watch "Tom and Jerry." Take a quick nap as the cartoon music reminds me of spend a sick-day at my grandparents house.

For all of the upset, the Peri's here have now decided that I don't need the progesterone. They feel bedrest and meds to control the contractions is enough for now, and I feel comfortable with that. I love, love, love my doctors here. The doctor I see the most is a resident. She is amazing, attentive, concerned, proactive and willing to fight for me. The issue now is that I still need an OB practice to pick me up and none will because I am a risk. I am fine, actually pleased, to stay with the general practice here at the hospital. Problem is that they primarily handle underserved populations, typically on medicaid. They do not take my insurance, which is thought to be one of the better ones (ha, ha.) So now we are facing the issue if my insurance is going to pay for my stay here (gasp!) My doctor assured me not to worry. She says we will probably get some scary bills in the mail, but that the hospital will duke it out for us. She really just does not want me handling it or worrying about it.

What a mess!!
But the boy is doing great and we are both safe.
In the end, I don't care about anything but cooking him as long as I can.
And the rest will just be what it will be.

Oh.
I am now told I will be here for the "long haul." Four weeks was just a silly dream.